I was laying here on the couch right now and saw my stomach stretch way out and then SLAM back in towards my body causing the worst acid reflux probably in the history of mankind. I think Jack is trying to kill me.
And! We put up Jackson's crib!! I loove it! I can't wait to get everything in his room done! It's been sitting in our garage for a week and a half and we finally put it together tonight and of course I CRIED thinking about how this was the crib Jackson will have all of his little sweet dreams in!!
Let's get our minds off of infertility and babies for just a minute and do something fun and Christmassy! I'm hosting an Ornament Party on my Crafting/Decorating blog and would LOVE to see some of your favorite ornaments hanging on your tree!
28 weeks today. Finally into my third trimester and only 12 short weeks till we meet our sweet miracle baby. I cannot wait to meet this little guy. I can't believe how fast this pregnancy has gone by. I still honestly have trouble actually believing I am finally pregnant, let alone into my third and final trimester. *shakes head* How did we get here? Weren't we "that" couple? You know, "those" ones. The ones who had problems and infertility and PCOS and all of that? How in the heck are we finally here and so close to meeting the one we prayed for, for years?
Hi Bloggies! So sorry I haven't been posting much, we've been in the process of buying our first house and I am happy to say we officially closed and got the keys today! *does a happy dance* Here is a picture of our new home!
People told me buying a house was stressful and man were they right! I am so happy that is done and now the fun of upgrading/painting/decorating can begin! (any yes I will be posting all kinds of stuff on my crafting/decorating blog as it has been way too long)
I look back at my life a year ago. Last Thanksgiving. I cannot believe what a difference a year can make. I am so beyond thankful for my amazing husband who has been such a source of comfort through everything we have been through, especially infertility wise. I am so thankful for my family who also have been a constant support for both Mike and I. I am thankful for all of you who have supported us through everything we have had to endure. I am thankful for our new house, that will one day be a home...the place Jackson will make all of his memories in.
Most of all I am thankful for this
27 weeks pregnant with the love of my life. An honest to God miracle. How did we get here? A year ago we were so lost and confused and in the depths of depression...and now here we are...about to meet our son in only 13 weeks.
I am SO thankful, and all of my thanksgivings go to Him. The Lord has blessed me so so much and I can think of nothing more I want in life.
Never give up hope, and remember, a year can make all the difference.
We had a bad week. It was long and scary. On monday morning early I got a call from my Dr who said she was looking over our last results from our last Anatomy Scan. She said everything looked well on Jackson except for the measurements of his Nuchal Fold and that it was measuring at the very highest side of normal, which was actually the last measurement before it crossed into abnormal territory and that we were going to need to schedule an appointment with a Peri at the hospital because we needed to check for Down Syndrome...
I quickly tried to get off the phone and LOST IT. I lost it like I had never lost it before. So many things were going through my head. What would this mean for us? How bad will it be for him? If he has it, will I have to outlive my child and if I don't who is going to take care of him if he cannot care for himself? And the worst: Kids will tease him. That last one was what kept going through my mind and it KILLED me inside.
I didn't want to tell Mike till he was home from work that day so he wasn't worried all day long, but I had an OB appt later in the day and he had called me just to talk, and I ended up losing it on the phone again and telling him everything which I didn't want to do but I needed to. I couldn't even say the word "Downs" physically my body wouldn't let me...it kept coming out like d-d-d-d-d-d...everytime I tried. He decided he would meet me at my OB appt so that we could both talk to the Dr.
I met him there and as soon as I saw him, I could tell he had taken the news not much better than I did. Puffy red eyes are always a dead giveaway and that made me tear up again. We went upstairs and they got us into our room and we were finally able to talk to our Dr. She basically told Mike everything she had told me on the phone but tried to reassure us that we just needed to do this as a precaution. She said we would meet with the Peri, have an ultrasound with her at the hospital and then go over the results and talk about having an Amnio done. I wanted to know everything about the amnio, because I really didnt fancy the idea of having a huge needle shoved through my stomach and into my babies placenta. I asked if you get anything to numb you and she said no...I asked her how big the needle was and she showed me with her hands *shivers*...I asked her what the risks were and she said a few things and said there's a 1 in 500 chance of miscarriage and Mike and I both said okay well we won't be doing one of those at all. It didn't matter what could be wrong with Jack, we love him and would love him in any way shape or form and it didn't matter to us so why risk it?
This baby is my miracle baby. This is the child we spent over 2 years praying for, begging and pleading with God to give us. He is ours...he's our family, and whatever happens we are going to love him and be so proud of him.
We didn't get much sleep that night (I actually woke up to Mike crying in his sleep one night, which set me off again) and I don't think we've slept much the rest of the week either. Just praying and thinking. We didn't want to tell many people. The girls in my DDC knew and a handful of family and friends knew only because I wasn't ready for all the questions and the comments. I didn't want anyone to know until it was a for sure thing. It was a hard thing to carry around on our own for a little while and I'm sorry I couldn't post about it earlier. I didn't want all of my bloggies to feel neglected.
We had our Peri appt today and I think it's safe to say I hate hospitals. Sitting there in the waiting room, 3rd floor in the Fetal Diagnostics Center. Palms sweating, hospital wristbands on watching people come in and out, heart stopping everytime a nurse would come out to call a patient's name...
We finally got back there and our fears were put to rest as soon as the Nurse and the Peri started the ultrasound. Everything is fine and our Jack is 100% healthy! They said we shouldn't have been made to worry like we were (I think they could see the panic written all over our faces). They said our measurements were right on target and completely normal. They were awesome and so straight forward and congratulated us again.
I am so so thankful. Just thankful that everything is okay and that we can put this horrible nightmare behind us. I am thankful to God for being so good to us and thankful for all of the prayers and support we have received this past week.
Like I said, this is our miracle baby... we would have loved this child no matter what, but it is so good to hear he is going to be okay. I just wanted to update this blog because it was part of our journey and part of our story.
I woke up this morning to the biggest kicks I have ever felt, so hard that I could actually see my belly moving! It's sooo awesome to feel it inside and from the outside and see it all at the same time! Makes it so much more real!
We had our 2nd Anatomy Scan today since they couldn't get all the measurments last time and he has gotten soooo big! And he's still a boy! He is weighing 1 pound 3 ounces and is already in the 70th percentile!! I think my kid is going to be huge!!
I had my first Braxton Hicks contraction last night. I was laying in bed watching a movie and all of a sudden my whole lower abdomen/uterus? felt really really tight and a little painful, not too bad though and lasted for maybe a minute then it intensified and I felt it in my lower back all through my lower stomach and right under my pubic bone and that lasted for a good minute or so. It did not feel good, but after that it eased off and then I never felt it again. I always wondered what a contraction felt like and I don't know why I thought it would be more cervical type pain...nope. Some of the girls in my DDC who are right around me are having them too so I know it's normal, just kinda shocking!
Kicking at my bladder...I think he thinks it's fun...not so fun while you're at work lol. I love being at this halfway point in pregnancy when you can really really feel kicks and movement and can tell the difference between what everything is. It is the weirdest feeling ever. It just blows my mind that all the girls in my DDC are around 16-21 weeks and pretty much all of us can feel our babies moving now, it's just crazy how far we've come...especially in my DDC since there are soooo many infertility survivors there. I am so so grateful for this amazing miracle we have been blessed with, just so in awe and I think that awe just gets stronger with every kick and wiggle. *sigh* It's totally unreal.
Ugh, I woke up to a voicemail on my cell phone from my OB's office "Hi Amy, this is Kristine from Dr L's office, we're going to need you to come back in, please give me a call." My heart stopped! I thought OMG, something is wrong with Jackson! Or I remembered that I just had my 1st 1hour GTT the other day, and thought OMG what if I have GD already!? I was so scared. I had to run to the bathroom to get sick before I called back because I was so worried.
So I call back and am on hold FOREVER till someone finally answered...
Girl: how can I help you Me: Hi my names Amy, someone called me earlier and said I needed to come back in to see Dr L but they didnt tell me why. Girl: hang on a sec.....on hold.....How far along are you right now? Me: about 20 weeks. Girl: okay we need you to come back in at 22 weeks for another ultrasound. Me: OMG why?? Girl: hang on a sec....on hold again.... We didnt get good enough shots and measurements of the baby at your anatomy scan so we need to redo it. Me: So there's nothing wrong with the baby> Girl: Oh no not at all! We just need to redo a few pictures.
Geeze! Couldn't they have left that on my voicemail so I wouldn't have FREAKED!?
So we go back in on Friday the 22nd for another u/s and I'm taking her word that everything was okay.
I'm glad we get to see the baby again but man, I just about passed out from fright this morning.
20 weeks today and I cannot believe we have made it here. We are halfway through our pregnancy and only 140 days away from meeting our miracle face to face. It makes me cry just thinking about it. I feel so blessed and lucky to actually be here after all we have been through. It still seems so unreal and like I'm going to wake up from a very good dream. So thankful and in awe...
When we first got in there Itty Bitty's legs were crossed and I thought oh no not again! I would have been so bummed if we weren't able to find out today. So she did all the measurements and IttyBitty weighs 9oz and is measuring perfectly...right at the end of the u/s Itty Bitty uncrossed the legs and the tech typed on the screen...
BOY!! His name is Jackson Carter and we are so in love already!!
Green Sprout @ The (baby) Elephant in the Bedroom Tagged me in her latest post so since I never do these when I get tagged I'll do them now. I have to answer a few questions and then tag 3 more people to answer some of mine!
1) What's in your pantry today? Lots of cans of soup lol, popcorn, chips, tons of baking supplies...honestly, there's alot in there right now!
2) What was your first word? I do believe it was "DaDa"
3) Name a life experience you would feel poorer for not having had? Honestly it was going through the infertility. Had I not, I wouldn't have truly known what an amazing gift I have been blessed with. I think every normal mother in the world loves their children with everything they have, but when you have to go through everything infertility has to offer, when you finally gain what you have been working so hard and long for, crying over, praying over, begging, pleading.... there's just something a little bit special about the way an infertile parent looks at his/her children. It's indescribable. "The harder the fight, the greater the victory."
4) What kind of computer do you have? I have a shnazzy Dell Inspiron 1501 laptop.
5) What is your favourite food/recipe using bananas? Banana bread!!!!! YUM I don't have a recipe for it, but man oh man, I love the stuff!
Okay so now that I've answered my questions I'm going to tag some of my favorite blogs (which is hard because I have so many):
Today I felt my first real kicks. I've felt flutters before, but today was intense! I was laying on the couch when I felt it and it honestly scared the crap out of me! lol I had no idea what the heck it was! Then DH came over and put his hands on my belly and I had him push down pretty hard and nothing....so I tried talking to the baby/yelling at it "moooove!" lol...finally it moved again and he got to feel it! He said it felt faint but we both felt it at the same time which was so so cool! I just had to document this because it was so amazing. 2 years of trying to feel this and it finally happened today. I am forever thankful and grateful for this child and all of the milestones that come with it.
We go back in on Thursday for our 2nd gender scan (this baby better flash us this time!) Hopefully we'll be able to see and the cord won't be in the way again!
We went in for our gender scan today and ............................................................................ .......................................................................... ..................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................................... ......................................................................... .................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... ......................................................................................................... ...we couldn't see anything! lol The cord was totally covering it and they tried for an HOUR to find it, but it was not happening. I'm just happy and thankful to have a real live baby in my belly still. We go back in on September 30th so hopefully we will be able to see then.
We have our first gender scan next Thursday the 16th at 2:30pm!!! *does a happy dance*
I will be 17w2d by then so I'm hoping we will be able to see. All of my ultrasounds always come out a little fuzzy, so hopefully we'll get a clear enough look, but if not, I have my anatomy scan on September 30th, so we will find out for sure at that one! Send us lots of flasher vibes, I hope this baby shows off the goods and we get a good clear look! I will update you as soon as I can on Thursday if we are able to see anything and let you know if we're on team pink or blue!
In other news, I can finally hear the heartbeat on our at home doppler my cousin let me borrow! It was soooo hard in the beginning to find it and I would get sooo frustrated, but now everytime I try to find it, I hear it within 2 minutes so that is awesome! I love that sound! I'm not using it alot though, *maybe* once a week if that, just to reassure myself everything is okay.
I'll keep you posted on everything!
PS don't forget about September being PCOS awareness month!! Spread the awareness!
My cousin is in u/s tech school so we got to go in today so my parents could see the baby. It was really cute to be able to have my cousin doing it for me and to have my parents see ittybitty. We couldnt see the gender, it's just still too early for the old machine she was using, but thats ok I didnt want to know because Mike didnt go with us today. We're going back in 3 weeks to have her check the gender. I'm measuring at 14w6d today so I'll be about 15 weeks tomorrow and the new DD is Feb 22nd.
And the coolest part.....I got to see the baby move at the same time I felt him/her flutter!!! Soooo amazing, I almost cried! Here's a few pics we got today.
The first one is IttyBitty sucking his/her thumb
PS thank you all for the sweet words and comments on my last post, I hope I never have those dreams again! xoxo
They say pregnancy dreams are out of control and that's no joke. Every single time I close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up, I can remember every single dream I had during that period, which is crazy. Insane detailed dreams. Alot of happy ones, really colorful ones, a few about our future child and a couple about adoption (the adoption ones are always intense and I wake up crying happy tears, and I have a strong feeling this is my calling for the future.)
Well lately I don't know if it's been from stress or what, but my dreams have turned to nightmares, and the worst of all came a few nights ago. I dreamed I had lost our baby, and given birth at about 15/16 ish weeks. It was strange though, the baby was wrapped in a cocoon of some sort and we had to break it open to see inside. She was tiny and about the size of the palm of my hand. Her skin was smooth and glossy and her little hands were crossed right over her stomach, it went on but it's not pretty... I don't know why but I cannot get this dream out of my head. I woke up and just layed there and sobbed, first thinking it was real, then realizing it wasn't and crying because I was thankful it was a dream, and then cried more because...well I'm not quite sure why. Every single time I close my eyes I see it again, and I feel as if it's haunting me. I don't know if it's an intense fear of losing this baby or what, but I can't shake that scared haunted feeling.
Has this happened to anyone else? I'm feeling a little bit crazy honestly.
I just got back from my NT scan and woah, it was sooo crazy to see ittybitty looking like a real baby! It's starting to really feel real that there is a baby in there, just seeing him/her moving around so much and everything and looking like a real person...unreal. I know it's crazy to say, but I honestly think I totally fell in love today. Now don't get me wrong, I was in love with this baby before, but I think I had such a guard up since it took us so long with ttc and infertility and all that crap, that I just didn't want to get too attached, but today was different, and I sit here crying because I feel so blessed that this is real, and I am in my 2nd trimester and the baby is wonderful.
We got there and went in for the u/s. Our tec started it and was just showing us baby and how human he/she looked (unreal) and measured the HB which was about 150bpm. She started doing all the measurements but the baby wouldn't cooperate for us, everytime she went to measure something, he/she would turn it's back to the wand not letting her (my child is already stubborn). So after trying for about 10 minutes and shaking my belly and poking at the baby, she made DH and I go downstairs, have a cup of coffee and come back 20 minutes later, and WOAH! That coffee was the first cup of caffeine I have had in about 3 months, I feel like I could run a marathon now lol. So we go back and she was able to get all the measurements since the baby was bouncing around in there, but because he/she was bouncing so much, the pics we got were kinda blurry lol oh well.
I'm measuring somewhere around 13w4,5,6d again since this child already likes to drive us crazy we can't be sure because every measurement was totally different since he/she was sooo wiggly! I'm just going to stick with the original 13w3d as of right now. I know it will change all over again.
So I'd like to introduce our little 13week miracle...
Wow! I can't believe tomorrow (friday) I will be 13 weeks and into my 2nd trimester! How in the heck did that happen? It seems to be flying by. I think when it takes you so long to actually get pregnant, once you do, 9 months seems like nothing!
My belly has gotten harder and rounder, and I'm at that stage where it's like people could look at me and think, either there's a baby in there or Amy's REALLY let herself go. lol Itty Bitty is about the size of a peach now and that is soooo crazy to think!
And...it's official...my favorite pair of jeans don't fit anymore...AND they won't work with a bella band...yeah my neighbor let me try out hers, and I think my jeans are just too low cut or something and the zipper is really low...let me give you a visual: I was upstairs in my closet and put on the jeans w/o zipping or buttoning them up, I put the bella band on and pulled it kinda low to hide everything, walked downstairs, looked in the mirror.........
.....and the bella band had ridden up and you could totally see my vagina. *blank face*
I don't know if it was too big or too small or what? It couldnt be too big...maybe I needed a bigger one, or maybe my belly just needs to be bigger....I dont know. *shrugs* Those jeans just aren't going to happen for me, but that's okay because I bought my first ever pair of maternity jeans and they are soooooo comfy!!! I would wear these suckers to bed!!
Sorry for the lack of posts lately, I've just been super busy and super tired! I promise I will try to post more often! xoxo
Hey Blog-etts! Sorry I've been away for a while. I was on vacation with my family and busy at work (and sleeping all the other hours of the day lol) I just wanted to quick update you and let you know I was okay and breathing!
I've been weaning myself off of the progesterone suppositories and tomorrow is the last one I have to take which is awesome! Friday will be my last day taking the baby asprin, and friday also makes my pregnancy 12 weeks! *does a happy dance*
How the heck did we get here? Honestly it still feels like a dream and I still deep inside feel like that scared little infertile girl waiting for "any moment now" when it's all going to be over. I just have to keep the faith that if we've gotten this far, we can make it, but it's just so hard to overcome those fears. I'm sure that fear never goes away and I'm sure I'll be 39 weeks and still scared to death lol.
In lighter news I have my Gender ultrasound scheduled for September 30th and I am soooo excited!! I cannot wait to find out what/who we are having! I think we are pretty set on names now so our final names are.......drumroll please.......depending if IttyBitty is a She or a He, we will either have Scarlett Olivia or Jackson Carter. I can't wait to find out "who" it is!
I had another u/s today and everything looked amazing! We got to see Itty Bitty's arms and legs moving all over the place!! It was so cool! I am measuring ahead another day at 9w6d so I will be 10 weeks tomorrow and that moves my dd up to feb. 25th! so so cool!
It's so cool to see IttyBitty looking a little bit more like a baby! *swoon* head is on the right, arms are right below the head and little legs are to the left! His/her face is kinda tucked under and if you look reaaaaally close, you can *kinda* see where it is! We are so in love! Thank you all for the continued prayers and well wishes! We are so happy to share this with all of you!
We're back form our Graduation from the RE and it was amazing We got to see Itty Bitty again and he/she was moving all around and we got to watch!! It was so awesome! I'm measuring at 8wks 5d and the HB today was 165bpm. The RE's office gave us a little gift box with all kinds of baby stuff, it was really sweet! I'm so excited to move on to our OB next week!!!
Never will I understand why 15 year olds get pregnant with twins while on the pill, while so many amazing men and women who could fully care for and are 100% ready to care of a new life have to wait years. Why are we tried time and time again for the only thing in life we would give anything for, while so many who don't even want that thing get it so easily?
Infertility forever changes you. It will always be a part of you. It's just like those people you know or hear about who go to war and suffer so much, and then return and something about them is forever different. This is our war. No matter how many children you have after battling infertility, it will always stick with you. You will always mourn loss of time, loss of babies from miscarriage, loss of normal life. Loss is a main character in this war...but we also have so much to gain.
We gain the ability to TRULY know, above all other parents, what a miracle our babies are.
We gain the feeling of utter love/happiness/success when finally seeing the word "pregnant" on a digital pregnancy test, when others would feel scared.
We gain the ability to never take anything for granted when it comes to our future children.
We gain the ability to never complain about being pregnant, or having morning sickness, or feeling pain from your ligaments stretching.
We gain the ability to tell our babes, when they are in our arms, how much they were wanted. How long we kept going to have them. How much we put our bodies through just to bring them here.
We gain the ability to have "miracle babies".
We gain empathy for others who are struggling in life, even outside of infertility.
I think it's safe to say that we can count our gains much more than our losses.
We are fighters. We are warriors. We are amazingly strong men and women. We have been conditioned to be the best parents on the face of the earth, and by that I feel lucky...
...So I raise my glass (of sparkling cider) to my infertile family tonight...all of you who suffer, past or present, empty hearts and empty bellies...all of you who consider yourselves "womb warriors" or "fertility fighters"...we are amazing people, and we have alot to gain.
He/She (only one) is perfect and measuring at 7weeks and 4 days! With a heartbeat of 151.78 bpm. My Due date for now is Feb 27th. We are so in love! We got to see and hear the heartbeat and of course I cried. lol It just feels so real now! I will write more later, I am so tired and had a super long day, but I wanted to update you all and show you IttyBitty's very first picture! xoxo
Had my 4th Beta today and it came back at 25,163 which is great! She said she wants me to keep doing a weekly draw until the Dr says I can stop so that's okay with me! My progesterone was at 24 and even though it's dropped just a little, she said that's totally normal as it will fluxuate. I have to get my ultrasound approval to go through (because I'm still with my RE) and as soon as that does, she will call me asap and then we can do that. I think that's a great number and I'm super happy!
My first #s on monday were HCG 133 and Projesterone: 28 and today's draw was HCG 420 and Projesterone 29. Nurse Perky said those numbers look really good! She said based on my first draw and this one, I'm still pretty early, so I'm just guessing and going to say I may be a little over 4 weeks. I'll do another Beta next thursday and she said when my numbers get to around 12,000 (I think thats what she said) then we can do our u/s to do measurments. I totally cried hapy tears on the phone to her lol.
We were doing our "Clomid Challenge Cycle" and getting all of the routine tests out of the way so we could move on to bigger and better things like IVF. Well, back on June 1st, I went in for my follicle check. The right ovary showed nothing worth mentioning. The left ovary was the one that had had the massive cyst on it for so long, so when we saw an 18mm "something" We assumed it was the cyst that had been there for months...I'm thinking now that was a 18mm follicle.
This past weekend, we went on a road trip to Sacramento for my husband's Grandfather's birthday. It's about a 6 hour drive from where we are in southern California, so when I had lower back cramping driving up there on friday, I thought nothing of it and just thought it had to do with the long car ride. Saturday I had the same lower back aches, but this time accompanied by waves of nausea and lower abdominal cramping. It happened a few times during the day and I thought I was getting sick. Sunday driving home, all the aches and nausea kept coming in waves and I was just so uncomfortable. My uterus and ovaries felt lke they were going to explode but in all honesty (here's TMI Amy again) I hadn't gone #2 the whole weekend (yes I have a wierd problem where it's hard to go on vacation) so I thought it was all from being constipated. We went out to dinner with my parents for Father's day and came home.
That night I was still having bad pains. Mike had already gone to bed and it was about 10pm or so. I still was feeling horrible, and then had a random thought that "Oh, maybe I'm going to ovulate!" I ran to the bathroom, after only holding it for about 30 min-an hour, and peed in a cup and used an OPK and saw the darkest positive on an OPK I have ever gotten. When I had gotten my OPKs out a box of FRER HPTs fell out of the cabinet and I just thought..."hmmmm, really really dark OPK, I've heard of it happening before...what the heck, when do I ever get to test??" So I dipped a HPT into the same cup and set it on the counter. I left the bathroom for literally about 90 seconds came back and there was a BLARING positive! I swear I almost fainted!
I took the stairs 2 at a time to get up to our bedroom to Mike and flipped the light switch. He half sat up and looked at me squinty eyed. I ran over half hysterical laughing, half hysterical crying which Mike later told me made him think that I had officially lost it....
...I threw the test at him....
...I yelled OMG is that real!?!?...
.........and then I fell to my knees on the floor at the side of the bed and BAWLED my eyes out.
Every tear that I have ever shed in the past 2 years has been worth it for this exact moment. God is so so good and has showed me that when you are truly faithful to Him, He will be faithful to you. It's a miracle. On my bucket list one of the things I have had on there for so long is to witness a miracle, and I can cross that one off now.
That girl who was dying and drowning a few posts back, has finally reached the surface. She has broken free from being held under for so long and feels like she has taken her first breath into her new life. The light is finally on her face and the darkness is gone from her heart.
Believe. Dream. Hope. Have faith.
Never give up. Miracles happen. I'm a true witness to that.
I don't even know how far along I am. I *think* maybe 4-6 weeks. I have my next beta testing on Thursday to make sure my numbers are rising. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I am absolutely terrified of losing this baby. I have no idea when I can have my first u/s since I have no idea how far along I am. I just want to make sure IttyBitty has implanted in the right spot, has a sac and a beating heart. I think I may rest a little easier then.
I want to thank all of you for being so supportive in this journey. I'm going to stay on this blog until I finally have a baby in my arms. I love you all.
I can’t believe it has been that long. Living it, day by day, seems to go on forever, but looking back it has happened so fast…and that scares me. It scares me that I very well may go even more years without children…decades…a lifetime.
When you’re in it, truly in it, there’s a sense of drowning. Feeling like you try to swim harder and faster and more frantically, but just can never quite reach the top. Sure you get close sometimes, but there’s always a giant wave that comes crashing back down on you, sending you into a headfirst spiral deeper and deeper until you don’t even know which way is up anymore. Waves…choppy water…white caps…it all hurts you. Every little thing pulls you deeper and deeper… until you feel like your lungs will explode…
….and then it happens...
… a little part of you dies.
A little bit of hope leaves you…and with it, a tiny fragment of your heart. Month by month. Year by year. Those little pieces have exchanged themselves for bricks, and a wall starts forming around your heart. My good friend Kelly once shared this quote with me:
“As long as you keep getting born, it's alright to die some times.” ~ Orson Scott Card
I think that sometimes you have to let yourself die to rebuild…and every time you “die”, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time…you strengthen your heart. The longer it lasts, the more times it happens and the more times you come back fighting…it just makes you a little bit stronger. A little bit tougher. That little brick wall that forms around your heart, is only there to protect it. After failing so many times, even though it kills you…it does make you stronger.
So in retrospect I think that sometimes you *have* to die, to be reborn.
It took me a long time to realize that. I was always trying to be so strong and would get so upset with myself if I started feeling bad, but it ate me up inside. I didn’t let myself die enough which, in reality, was killing my spirit.
So here’s my little bit of wisdom to pass on to those who may be just starting out: remember, no matter where you are on your journey to your miracle, or any other difficult place life may lead you…it’s okay to fall, and it’s okay to die….just remember to come back to life.
I picked up my Rx for my Provera and for my Z-pack this evening. I guess I'll call Nurse Perky to see if she got the results back from the blood pregnancy test, so I can start my Provera, although I think it's okay to start taking it as I had zero follicles at my follie check. If I start my Provera tomorrow I should have CD 1 by June 28th (I'm like clockwork with Provera, I ALWAYS start 3 days after my last pill.) Which means that my HSG will get scheduled for either July 5th, 6th or 7th. Wow that's really close! I start taking the Z-pack the day before the HSG to prevent infection.
I still haven't heard back about my 2hour GTT yet, but I'm hoping I will by the end of the week *fingerscrossed*
Thank you all for your support on my last post about the mega meltdown. I love you all so much and could not have asked for a better support system. I am so blessed to have every single one of you in my life and I thank God all the time for you.
Two of my cousins and I threw one of my other cousins a baby shower today and it was lovely. We had an "Alice in Wonderland" themed tea party and it was alot of fun. The one time an infertile really really obsesses about her infertility is sitting through a baby shower, but today was totally different. I felt nothing but sheer joy for my cousins and their soon to be new sweet baby boy.
Crazy at it is, through most of the shower, I didn't think about infertility and just enjoyed myself. I honestly forgot about the whole thing and for once, in a long long time, felt...well...normal. And it felt great! The one time in the whole shower I remembered I was infertile was while my cousin was opening gifts and I went to hand her the scissors. I reached out my arm, looked down, and saw the marks and bruises caused by my last GTT, and you know what I did? I laughed. Out loud! I think I was just so shocked that I hadn't thought about it the whole day and it felt amazing! It was kind of a sweet moment, feeling extreme happiness at the exact moment when I would normally feel extreme sadness.
So tonight once again, I sing praises to our Lord...
Prayers of thanks for my beautiful family.
Prayers of thanks for the new life that is about to enter the world.
Prayers of thanks for the peace that God has granted me today.
While I wait to cradle a baby of my own in my arms, I know that I rest safely in the arms of our Lord..........and there's no where else I'd rather be.
Well the days seem to be moving right along. I have been so busy that this cycle has flown by! (which is awesome) I'm only on CD21 today, but on Monday I will go in for a blood pregnancy test (ha-ha) and when that comes back negative I can get my Rx filled for my provera and move on to the next cycle. Once I start my next cycle, then I have to call and schedule my HSG (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!) I admit I'm a little nervous, just for the cervix clamping and catheter part *shudders* The rest of it, I'm not too worried about. At least I'll get a day off of work and some pampering by DH! ;)
I had my 2 hour GTT today and it went by pretty fast, which was good. I have some beautiful bruises, dots and track marks, and once again look like a junkie. They took 8 big vials today!
I did have a few meltdowns when I woke up this morning. DH was getting ready for work and I was getting dressed for my appointment, and just lost it! It was literally like "how many meltdowns can Amy have before 7:30 am today?" And by meltdown I mean MELTDOWN...like falling to my knees, faceplant into a pile of dirty laundry, laying on the floor of our bedroom, crying, sobbing, shaking meltdown....yeah...not one of my finer moments. All I could get out was "idontwanttohavetodoanymoretestsandihatethatwehavetogothroughallofthisandimtiredanditssoearlyandwhycant wehaveababyandeveryoneelsecananditseasyforthem *breath* anditsnoteasyforuseverinourwholeentirelife sob sob sob."
DH was so sweet and layed down next to me and rubbed my back and told me that he wished that he could go through with all of the tests instead of me having to all the time. *enter more crying* Honestly, it was early...I'm not a morning person...I was tired. *sigh*
One day we'll all look back on this and laugh.......
Hello loyal readers! DW is taking the night off and her blog is firmly in the hands of me! DH! So, welcome to my inaugural ‘guest post’……
It’s been almost 2 years since our TTC journey began and needless to say, it has been a difficult one. While staying positive during this journey has been daunting, we remain optimistic, and after our consultation with “Dr. Wizard”, finally feel like we’re progressing towards parenthood.
From the perspective of a DH, there is a feeling of helplessness, of being a passive participant. There are fewer tests to take, fewer people who offer insensitive advice, and no medications to take. While we’re going through this together, I see DW shouldering more of the physical and emotional burden. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say that would ease DW’s pain.
I’ve tried so hard to hide my sadness and stay positive, thinking that would be the most supportive role to take. Although, after seeing the comfort and support DW has received from this blog and the TTC forums, maybe sharing would reinforce the strength she has found from so many of her new friends. It’s inspiring to know that there are so many people out there who are “in our corner” and I am proud that DW has been a source of support to them as well.
DW and I often say, and are firm believers in the old adage, “everything happens for a reason” and over the past 2 years we have had a lot of time to discuss parenthood. When God does bless us with a child, I know that we will be all the more prepared and appreciate each and every moment that much more. This journey gives me a glimpse of the mother my beautiful wife will be; loving, selfless, and determined. For this I am truly thankful.
Thanks for reading everyone, and babe……….here’s your blog back! :)
Nurse Perky left me a voicemail this morning that said my testing came back being negative for Cystic Fibrosis (which I wasn't worried about) and that my FSH levels came back at a 4.4 She said they want to see that number under 10, if it's under 10 that means you still have eggs in your ovarian reserve and the lower the number the better! So I'd say that's pretty good! I'm so relieved that I still have many more chances!
...now...just to get those little guys to show themselves once in a while!
Had my follie check for my "Clomid Challenge" cycle and the results were......
Zero mature follies. HA! And, thanks to our lovely insurance, my ultrasound today will cost about $270...you'd think I'd get like a discount or something for no follies lol. Nurse Perky is going to try and code it for "Ovarian Cysts" and see if my insurance will cover it, since I still have that massive 18mm cyst on my left ovary that has been there for the past like 6 months.
I also had my blood draw for my FSH today. Does anyone know what an FSH blood draw on CD12 checks for?
Back from our consult with our new RE Dr Wizard. We really like him and we talked ALOT. Overall our appointment took about 2 hours. We went in and sat down in Dr Wizard's office to talk and go over my whole history. The good thing was his office is literally 2 doors down from my last Dr's office, so his nurse was able to walk right over and get my chart to see my history.
Dr Wizard said if the only thing keeping me from getting pregnant is my lack of ovulation, then that's easy to fix, which is awesome news. His big concern was making sure I'm not insulin resistant becasue that is one of the main causes of anovulatory cycles/no cycles at all. So he ordered ALL kinds of tests. After our tests are all done and we go on to actual treatment, we'll probably do either Clomid + HCG Trigger, or more than likely start straight off on a cycle of injectables...He said typically he likes to start with a cycle of injectables using Gonal-F. (wow, that just gave me chills typing that out, I feel like I'm really in the "big leagues" of infertility...yes I'm a dork). So after all of my tests are done then we will see where we go next. He also went over DHs last SA and said...and I quote..."Wow, these results are really good...too good...like these are like olymic numbers...like you could probably go pro if you wanted to!" LOL He also said, he's never seen an SA as good as his, especially his motility, so he wants DH to do another just incase the last person didn't know what they were doing. The good thing is they gave us the option of booking an appointment to do it there or doing it at home and running it over as long as they get it within 70 minutes. I told DH he gets to use their "fun room" that they have, and he said "if by fun room, you mean a room with x-box and a pool table, then I'm in, if not I'd like to do it at home" (my DH, always the comedian) Needless to say we took a bag with a cup in it home for him to do it here.
Next, he took us into an exam room, and said we were going to have a little date with "wandy" which I have had many before. (For those of you reading who are not IF, "wandy" is slang for and internal ultrasound...AKA Transvaginal US...AKA sticking a giant ultrasound wand up your girly bits to take a closer look at your ovaries and uterus.) I informed him that I was CD 4, and still on my period..."Oh that's okay" he said "it won't get in the way" ((EEW)) Whatever, so I undressed from the waist down and he came back in with his nurse and did the internal. He said my uterus looked amazing and perfect from what he could tell and just waiting to have a baby! My ovaries looked very polycystic, and had tons of small cysts. The left ovary still has the massive cyst on it, but he said from the looks of it, it looks like a cyst attached to the outside of my ovary and not growing from within, which he said was better, so that's good. (He called it like a paracyst or something like that)
After I cleaned up and he showed me where the extra tampons and pads were (embarrassing), I got dressed, had my blood pressure taken and weight, and then went into our Nurse's office. She is the.sweetest.thing.in.the.world. She's adorable, and sooo bubbly, I love her! I think her code name on this blog will now and forever be Nurse Perky, because she is just that, always smiling and perky!
She gave us tons and tons of lab slips and prescriptions, so here's the plan...
Since I am on CD 4 today, and the Dr wants us to do a "Clomid Challenge Cycle" (to check to make sure how my ovaries are working and to check my ovarian reserve) I went in for blood work as soon as we left Dr Wizard's office. I had about 3 vials taken! I filled a Rx for 100mg of Clomid CDs 5-9 which I start tomorrow. Next tuesday (CD 12) I go back to Dr Wizards for another date with Wandy, as as soon as I leave there, I go back to Quest to get more vials of blood taken. Then I need to schedule a 2 hour GTT (better that the 3hour I had to do last time) to check for insulin resistance to see if I need to stay on the Metformin. Then if AF doesn't come on her own I go back for another blood draw to make sure I'm not pregnant (insert laugh) and then fill my Rx they gave me for Provera. When CD1 starts for that cycle, I call Nurse Perky, we do ANOTHER blood test to make sure I'm not pregnant, I start taking my Rx I have for a Z-Pack and have my HSG done around CDs 7-10 (which I'm really scared of). After all of that is done, then we can start treatment.
I don't think time will drag, with all that's going on, so at least that's good.
A+ if you read that entire thing! All in all, we love our new RE and his staff, and I think this is the start of a beautiful ending!
Well, I think I'm about to start spotting. I've been a major TPI the past 2 days and nothing (for those of you not IF...TPI stands for toilet paper inspector lol). Well right now I went to check my CM and CP and there was some faint pink tinged CM mixed with the normal CM, so I think AF is a-comin'...which I'm not surprised considering my temp drop. The good thing is I may have Oed...the not so good thing is I think if I do end up Oing in the future, I may have a problem with my LP, since my temp drops somewhere around 8 or 9dpo! I have a feeling AF will be here either tomorrow or by friday. When she comes, I'm debathing doing a cycle of Soy (since I have an unopened bottle), but I'm not sure since I'll be seeing our RE on monday...I don't know, I may just take a little while off and see what he says. *shrugs*
Hey, at least AF is coming on her own and I don't have to take any Provera! That's a huge thing for me!
So I wrote this whole thing out for my consult on Monday to give Dr Wizard (our new RE) a basic overview of our TTC history. I wanted to post it in case I ever needed it in the future and to catch up any new readers. Thank God I keep a blog, or there's no way I would have remembered all of this!
June 2008: Came off birth control pill and started trying to conceive…didn’t have a natural period after that until 6 months after in January 2009.
March 2009: Started seeing OBGYN for infertility. She prescribed Provera to induce my period and then had blood-work done on cycle day 3.
April 2009: OBGYN said all labs she did looked fine and so she ordered the 3 hour GTT.
May 2009: GTT results were good. Blood sugar was fine, no diabetes. Found an elevated testosterone level. Clinically diagnosed with PCOS. Prescribed Metformin (1500mg a day)
June 2009: Upped the Metformin dosage to 2000mg a day. Prescribed Provera again after a 115 day long cycle.
September 2009: Mike had his Semen Analysis done. Results were normal: Appearance: Normal Sperm Concentration: 55.5 Million Motility: 81% Morphology: 95% Liquefaction: 45 minutes
October 2009: Mike and I had infertility blood-work panel done & tested for STDs, all came back normal. Given Provera again to induce period.
November 2009: 1st Clomid cycle on 50mg CDs 3-7. No ovulation. Projesterone blood draw came back at a 0.8 Given Provera again.
December/January 2009: 2nd Clomid cycle with 100mg CDs 3-7. Had a follicle check on CD9 Left ovary had a 14mm follicle. Had an almost positive OPK on CD22, and a temperature rise on CD 24. Luteal Phase of 10 days. Cycle was 34 days total. Projesterone blood draw came back at a 3.0 Period started on it’s own this cycle. Had an ultrasound because of pelvic pressure, Dr found fluid and thinks a cyst may have burst, puts us on a 2 month break.
February 2010: Had a follow up ultrasound and everything looked great.
March/April/May 2010: Given Provera to induce period. 3rd Clomid cycle with 150mg CDs 3-7. Temperature rise somewhere between CD 46-50 (didn’t chart a couple days).
I just wanted to thank you all for the amazing warm and comforting responses on my last post. I was just having "one of those days" where literally everything was making me cry and feel so down on myself. I have to say that when I woke up today I felt much much better. I think, like alot of you said, you just have to let yourself feel sad when you need to. I love that I have this place to get it all out there in the open and I love even more the amazing support system that I have found here. I love you girls so much!
I don't think I'll really be leaving the MB's, I can't...it's been my home for so long and I can't fully cut it out of my life...but if I get too overwhelmed, I know I can just click that little red button at the top right of my screen and it makes it all okay. :)
Temped again today and got a whopping 98.8 which is pretty high.
FF didn't give me CHs, and I went ahead and entered in fake temps for the next 3 days just to see and it doesn't do CHs either. If I enter in random temps on the days I didn't temp, I get dotted or solid CHs (depending on the temps I choose)...either for last sunday (which is the last day we have BD) or for 3 days ago (which if that's the case, I don't think we BD anywhere close to where we should have.)
So my body has done one of 2 things, either another cyst burst (which I don't think is the case since I feel nothing like the last time when it burst and I had CHs on my chart)...or for the first time in TTC history I Oed. *shrugs* Even if I did O, and it was timed right, I wonder if my lining would be too thick since I'm on CD 53. I don't know, I'm not too concerned...if AF is here by either the beginning or the end of next week I'll know something happend. (If I did O, I could be anywhere from 3-7dpo)
I don't think I'm going to request a Projesterone draw since I'm between Drs right now and I can't call my new RE since we haven't had our first consult yet, and since I'm not referred to my old Dr anymore, I'd have to pay for the draw, and I really don't want to do that.
So I'm a little in limbo, but honestly, that's okay. Limbo is way better than nothing..and nothing is usually what I get. :) Love you all. xoxo
It's official, girls I had been TTC #1 with, are now pregnant with #2.
I just feel so lost right now.
I feel itty bitty and tiny, and so forgotten.
Why not me?
I'm a good person. I love God. I try to always be cheerful and happy. I always try to be so giving to others. I'm honest and trustworthy. I've always delt with infertility as my "cross to bear", and always have been happy for other people's miracles...but I'm tired.
I don't want to have to spend $315 EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I walk into my RE's office. I don't want to have to keep taking meds that pump me so full of hormones I can barely see straight. I don't want to spend thousands on injectables, knowing the chance of them working are very very slim, let alone the money we'll have to spend on IVF with very slim chances of it working if we have to get there...I don't want to feel like I had to buy my baby! I don't want to be different from everyone else, and I don't want to be so sad the 10 times a day I see a pregnant belly staring at me. I don't want to have a disease that prevents me from ovulating or getting pregnant.
Why is it that 15 year old girls get pregnant with twins, time after time...yet DH and I who are more than ready are left with empty arms and broken hearts.
I think I really need to take some time away from the Message Boards. I just can't continue to torture myself. If you're from the MBs, I'm sure you understand, especially if you're IF.
I would never wish infertility on anyone...why was I cursed with it and SO left behind?
Look at my chart...yeah, random high temp today...that's what I get for being lazy and not temping for 2 days. The last time we BD was last Sunday...I guess in the next few days we'll see if it stays up or not. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24ff9a
We scheduled my consultation with our new RE for May 24th which also happens to be our 2 year wedding anniversary...I wouldn't have thought we would one day be spending our 2nd anniversary in an infertility clinic, BUT I'm hoping it will be good luck!
I'm so excited to get in with "Dr Wizard"! I have butterflies in my tummy! Even though we've been through alot already I feel like were in the big leagues now lol. I called and left a message to set up my new patient consultation, so hopefully that can get booked soon!
Why do I feel sooo nervous? It's like a combo of nervous/giddy. Oh well who cares what I'm feeling! Hopefully this will be the guy to knock me up!
....well with a little help from my husband of course...
Tonight I had to do something all of us infertiles dread....
shopping for a baby shower DUN DUN DUUUUUN!!! I know all my IF girls sympathize with me on this one...
Stab us in the ass/hip/stomach with triggers/injectables...shoot dye/freshly 'washed' semen up our cervixes...make us take so many pills our bodies and minds are so corrupt with hormones we can't even begin to see straight......but throw us in a store full of baby stuff surrounded by preggo bellies and happy families registering for their baby showers and we run crying like 5 year old girls!
Ah yes, that was me tonight in one of our local Targets. I have a baby shower to go to on Saturday and I am making myself go to this one. In the past almost 2 years of TTC I have only been to one baby shower because it was a cousin of mine that I absolutely ADORE. (yes Linds you! xoxo) Every other baby shower I have been invited to I somehow came up with a fancy scheme to get out of, but it's time for me to face my fears.
So DH and I are in Target trying to quickly pick out gifts for this shower and it was like every corner I turned there was a huge preggo belly staring me down! They were all I could see! I swear all the baby bellies of the world were there tonight stalking me and taunting me..one jumped out and even tried to bite me...okay maybe not but I ran from them like they were trying to. I got stuck in a huge gaggle of girls with a registry list ooohing and awwwing over cribs and bedding...I got trapped behind a couple picking out "My Daddy Loves Me" shirts...Moms telling their kids to pick out outfits for their new baby brother or sister...I needed OUT!
We grabbed the first couple of boy things we could find and I hightailed it for the check out stand trying to gasp for air...of course not before accidentally literallyramming a display of baby clothes with my cart, forcing it to lunge back a good 5 feet almost knocking the damn thing over!!!
Not really much to update on. I'm still waiting to her if my referral has gone through for Dr Wizard. I still haven't gotten a positive OPK, so I really dont think anything is going to happen...I think I'm like CD33...maybe 32...maybe 34...as you can tell I'm not keeping track. I'm over this cycle. I'm still temping just to see and my temps are really really steady which is kinda boring lol..so yeah just wanted to update on....well...err....nothing I guess lol
If I don't hear from my Dr by Thursday I will call on Friday which will be over 2 weeks since they sent my referral out.
Well it's CD 29 and my OPK this afternoon was barely even there. I mean you would just think that at least once in the past almost 2 years my body would ovulate...nope, I guess my ovaries are too cool for that. My temps have gone back to normal for a while now, and every day I wake hoping to see a temp spike, but alas, none comes. Here's my chart... http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24ff9a
I think the high early temps were because I had the flu the week prior and had temps of 103, so I feel like the higher ones I had this cycle were like "flu-temp aftershocks" lol
Hopefully my referral goes through soon and I can get in to see Dr Wizard, or "The Wizard of Oz" as my cousin called him today lol (I love that).
My parents are amazing and after reading my worried post about injectables a few days ago, have said that they want to help pay for our treatments. It's just so much money, which makes me feel so bad, but my Mom said "Just think of it as we're investing in our family." <3 I am so completely grateful that they want to help us. I really am very lucky to have my parents. Besides the financial support, they have always been there for whatever emotional support we have needed, and I could never thank them enough for all they have done for us.
My parents tried for somewhere around 5-6 years to get pregnant, going through cycles of medication and years of the constant pain and suffering we all know infertility causes...till they finally (miraculously & naturally) got pregnant with me. Two more babies (my brother and sister) followed shortly after I came. So they know the pain and the hurt that we (DH, myself & all of you out there in the infertile community blogland) have to suffer through every single day of our lives. Their story gives me hope...and I pray it does the same for some of you.
I know somewhere deep in my heart, that one day it will happen for all of us.
I found this posted on heartsandhandss.com and thought it was awesome...just reposting it for my fellow IF ladies..
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn’t coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user’s moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures (10's of thousands of dollars), depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways: They will eventually conceive a baby. They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children. They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don’t know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don’t Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she “relaxed.” Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of “relaxing” are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as “infertile” until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren’t infertile but just need to “relax.” Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as “just relax” or “try going on a cruise” create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, “If you just relaxed on a cruise . . .” Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don’t Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone’s life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, “Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.,” do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn’t tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father’s Day or Mother’s Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn’t even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don’t Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don’t tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the “worst” thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job? Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the “worst” thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the “worst” thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the “worst” thing that could happen.
People wouldn’t dream of telling someone whose parent just died, “It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead.” Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don’t tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don’t Say They Aren’t Meant to Be Parents One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, “Maybe God doesn’t intend for you to be a mother.” How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don’t you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn’t he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren’t religious, the “maybe it’s not meant to be” comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don’t Ask Why They Aren’t Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man’s sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, “Why don’t you just try IVF?” in the same casual tone they would use to ask, “Why don’t you try shopping at another store?”
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the “sure thing” rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don’t Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF On the flip side of the coin, don’t offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don’t muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don’t yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can’t offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don’t Play Doctor Once your infertile friends are under a doctor’s care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren’t able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them: Blocked fallopian tubes Cysts PCOS Endometriosis Low hormone levels Low “normal form” sperm count Low progesterone level Low sperm count Low sperm motility Thin uterine walls
Infertility is a complicated problem to diagnose, and reading an article or book on infertility will not make you an “expert” on the subject. Let your friends work with their doctor to diagnose and treat the problem. Your friends probably already know more about the causes and solutions of infertility than you will ever know.
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to “play doctor” with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don’t Be Crude It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don’t make crude jokes about your friend’s vulnerable position. Crude comments like “I’ll donate the sperm” or “Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination” are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don’t Complain About Your Pregnancy This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON’T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don’t put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, “I’d gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby.” When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, “I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes.”
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends’ new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend’s emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can’t bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn’t rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don’t Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don’t follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn’t ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let’s face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to “dream” about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don’t Gossip About Your Friend’s Condition Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband’s sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend’s privacy, and don’t share any information that your friend hasn’t authorized.
Don’t Push Adoption (Yet) Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a “stranger’s baby,” they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy’s eyes and Mommy’s nose.
Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, “Why do you want to adopt a baby?” Instead, the question was, “Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?” Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn’t her “own,” then adoption isn’t the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, “Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.”) However, “pushing” the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say “I am giving you this baby,” there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn’t your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren’t going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother’s Day
With all of the activity on Mother’s Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother’s Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother’s Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother’s Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven’t “forgotten” them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy’s nose and daddy’s eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don’t encourage them to try again, and don’t discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don’t try to open that chapter again
OPK today was lighter than yesterday *sigh* 2 whole years of not ovulating completely sucks! I'm temping and I'll keep testing, but I just have a bad feeling Clomid won't work for me, I mean we're already on 150mg. I hope the new RE will be able to get me to O without breaking the bank. I'm terrified of injectables...more-so the price tag then the constant daily stabbing. I had a mini melt down last night laying in bed and just burst into tears in the middle of the night worried about how we are going to afford all of the medication. *cries* It's just so expensive. I guess we'll just wait and see what the RE says as soon as my referal gets approved. I hate infertility.
I feel like one day I'll have hope and the next I won't and the next I'll have hope again... I think this is the darkest my OPK has gotten so far this cycle, so I still may not be out yet. It's not positive yet, but I'm hoping it goes fully positive in the next couple days. I really need to O. I mean that's all that's holding me back from having a baby...
and still not a positive OPK in sight. I think the 150mg of Clomid is going to be a bust....I really hope I can get in with Dr Wizard. It scares me that even Clomid doesn't work for me, that means our next step would be injectables *sigh* Maybe he can try me on Clomid and monitor me closely by u/s and then do an HCG trigger...we'll see what he says.
It's really cool though, they used people as sperm and places as the vagina, cervix, uterus and fallopian tubes so you can really see the crazy journey sperm have to take to get to the egg blown up to human size.
I learned a few things in the video too, random facts like:
*A man produces about 1,000 sperm with every heartbeat.
*The "entryway" into the fallopian tube is only about 3 sperm-head wide
*Out of the millions and millions of sperm that get ejaculated only a couple make it alive to the egg!!!
I went in to see my primary this morning to get my new referral and I think my Dr was just as upset as I was to have to go through all of that again...at least he's on my side lol. I'm really hoping I can get in with "Dr Wizard" because from what I'm hearing from lots of people, he's amazing! He even wrote that book "What to Do When You Can't Get Pregnant"!! I know that book! I just hope I can get in with him and he's my magic ticket!! *prays*
Sooooo is it bad that I want to pick my RE by his name..... Dr Daniel Potter.....*giggles* totally reminds me of Harry Potter/Daniel Radcliffe and since it reminds me of that it makes me think he'll be like magic or something. He's "my chosen one"
He actually has the BEST stats I have found and won tons of awards and had numerous publications...I think I'll give him a try....
....and secretly call him my magical wizard behind his back!
CD 19 and my temps have finally dropped back to a normal range. http://www.fertilityfriend.com/home/24ff9a
I had been sick right before I started temping this cycle, so I'm pretty sure that is what caused the higher than normal temps. I'm still getting negative OPKs, but I'm not giving up hope yet for this cycle. I think if I do O, then it might be soon, my OPKs have been getting slightly darker, and last night I actually had some EWCM.
I stopped by my primary today to get my new referral and since I want to try someone new, then I have to make an appointment with my primary, or else he could just write it up today for the same girl I have been seeing, so I made an appointment for thursday morning to get my new referral. Hopefully that will go through fast and we'll be able to get in with someone good.
I can't believe we're getting so close to our 2 year mark.
Well no O for me yet according to my chart that dropped to 98.4 this morning. That's okay, I didn't really think I had O'd yet. For someone who hasn't O'd in I don't know how many years, I don't think I'll ever believe that I am actually Oing or did until there is a baby coming out of my nether regions.
And I know those OPKs were not positive that I posted yesterday, I was just pointing out that it had gotten darker from the day before that.
Welcome! I'm Amy, a late 20 something Polish-Italian Catholic dealing with infertility. I married the love of my life on May 24th 2008 and we decided to start trying for children on June 24th 2008. It's been a hard road, but we have been finally blessed with a positive pregnancy test on June 19th 2010, almost exactly 2 years to the day we started trying. I don't always censor myself on this blog. Read what you like or none at all...but this is my story about my "Miracle in the Making".
AF-Aunt Flo (Period) BD-baby dance BFN-big fat negative (the ‘f’ is translated loosely lol) BFP-big fat positive (HPT or OPK test result) CD-cycle day CM- cervical mucous CP- cervical position DH - dear husband DPO-days past ovulation FF-fertility friend FRER-First response early result HPT-home pregnancy test IB- implantation bleeding IPS- Imaginary Pregnancy Symptoms IUI-intra-uterine insemination IVF-in vitro fertilization O-ovulate OPK-ovulation predictor kit PCOS-polycystic ovarian syndrome POAS-pee on a stick (to take an HPT or OPK) RE-Reproductive Endocrinologist SA-semen analysis TTC - trying to conceive US-ultrasound 2WW-two week wait, the time between ovulation ‘o’ and AF