Saturday, May 15, 2010

Left Behind

Depressing post warning.

It's official, girls I had been TTC #1 with, are now pregnant with #2.

I just feel so lost right now.

I feel itty bitty and tiny, and so forgotten.

Why not me?

I'm a good person. I love God. I try to always be cheerful and happy. I always try to be so giving to others. I'm honest and trustworthy. I've always delt with infertility as my "cross to bear", and always have been happy for other people's miracles...but I'm tired.

I don't want to have to spend $315 EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. I walk into my RE's office. I don't want to have to keep taking meds that pump me so full of hormones I can barely see straight. I don't want to spend thousands on injectables, knowing the chance of them working are very very slim, let alone the money we'll have to spend on IVF with very slim chances of it working if we have to get there...I don't want to feel like I had to buy my baby! I don't want to be different from everyone else, and I don't want to be so sad the 10 times a day I see a pregnant belly staring at me. I don't want to have a disease that prevents me from ovulating or getting pregnant.

Why is it that 15 year old girls get pregnant with twins, time after time...yet DH and I who are more than ready are left with empty arms and broken hearts.

I think I really need to take some time away from the Message Boards. I just can't continue to torture myself. If you're from the MBs, I'm sure you understand, especially if you're IF.

I would never wish infertility on anyone...why was I cursed with it and SO left behind?



Mrs.Tiye said...

Just giving a hug.
I know the feeling.
Thanks for the honesty!
Glad you have a place to let it out!

Greeny said...

I've said before that I have nothing but a total respect for women such as yourself who have done the long haul. Why it is the way that those that have been tested, continue to be tested to breaking point is beyond the realms of my understanding.

I haven't been doing this as long as you have, although I have started to feel similarly on a few occasions. It is hard to keep the head up and charging forward when it seems like the wrong people are entitled to sneeze and fall pregnant. It is hard to fight through all the "why NOT me?" and "what is wrong with me?". It is hard trying to imagine something with has been so elusive for so long.

What you need to remember right now is that you have a plan. You are going to see a good doctor and heck.. it looks like you've even ovulated!!! There is plenty left in this rope and you have many folk who want to see you succeed and will support you every step of the way!

Take your moment to feel that pain. You are entitled to it. Then get back up on that horse and march on forward.

You can do it! xxxx

Nessa said...

Amy, this post makes me so sad because I feel like I could have been the one to write it.

I agree with Green Spout...feel the pain because it IS real and then move forward. I always allow myself to feel sad when I need to. It helps me keep pushing forward in the end.

This PCOS is bullshit. That's all I have to say about that.

I'm sure everyone will understand on the message boards. I haven't really been there at all since my last ultrasound and don't plan on even visiting for a while. I find myself becoming a little resentful at those who basically pop in, and a month later are pregnant. (I know, I'm terrible.) I'm happy for them, but it's beginning to be more and more difficult to show it. It seems like the only way I can truly feel happy for someone who just got pregnant these days is if they've struggled with IF. That sounds completely wretched of me, but that's how I feel...which is sad that I've reached this point.

Love ya, Amy!!! Hang in there! I feel your pain...

Kelly said...

I am so sorry Amy. :(

You are such a strong woman that it's hard to see the cracks in your armor sometimes, but you can't struggle with IF for over 2 years and not have them.

I won't tell you there is a reason for any of this, because I hate when people say that to me - and I really don't think you will see one (if you ever do) until you have that baby in your arms - but you have been such an encouraging voice for me since I started my journey and I just love you so much!

This last thought will probably not help anything right now, but when you're feeling better, maybe it will bring you comfort:

Life comes with one simple guarantee - God loves you. Perfectly. Unendingly. And there's no better reason to hope than that.

Lindsay said...

praying for you sweet heart... everything you are feeling is completely valid... i appreciate your honesty, and ache with you for the day that you will have that precious sweet child in your arms. I love you.

Unknown said...

I am so sorry you are having to go through all of this. Infertility is expensive, but the worst part is thta you don't only pay with your wallet, you are also forced to pay with your emotions as well. You are doing a great job at staying stong, and I know it will pay off for you when you are holding your baby in your arms. Good Luck!!


Stacey said...

I often think the same thing.. I ovulate but can't sustain a pregnancy :( then it seems like everyone around me gets preggers and I'm left feeling sad and have the "why me" thoughts.. Everyone says "everything happens for a reason".. Or "It'll happen when the time is right".. Umm, that's not what i want to hear.. I just want a baby.. I'm so sorry you're going thru this :( I know how you feel :(

Anonymous said...

Ick. I know that feeling oh so well. Many happy thoughts and hugs your way. :)

Shann said...

A friend of mine turned me on to your blog. I always read it because I feel like we have something in common. You're on a path where you have met your perfect match and you both are trying to start a family. I feel left behind because I haven't met my perfect match. It makes me sad when I see couples holding hands and enjoying each other's company when I'm running errands or doing whatever solo. Like you, I feel left behind. I feel like I've tried and tried and it hasn't happened. I often don't talk about it becasue most people don't know what to say because they haven't been in my shoes. You are brave for having a blog. I know it feels good to write about it. I will pray for you! :)

Ashley said...

I love you sweetie! I don't really have anything more I can say except I'm here for you!