Thursday, February 26, 2009
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Friday, February 20, 2009
I wish I could just ttc like most people.
I wish I had a perfect little 28 day cycle.
I wish I could O on CD14.
I wish I could temp for a purpose.
I wish I could get excited around CD24.
Even if I was getting BFN's all the time, I would sit there and think, "well that kind of sucks, but hey, I've got another perfect cycle right around the corner.
Instead I sit here doing nothing because nothing is all I can do right now.
Instead I cry not because I don't have a baby, but because I don't have a period.
Instead I wait 6 months at a time for a cycle to pass.
Instead I take so many OPK's hoping one will show positive so we can try.
OK pity party OVER!
Just wanted to get that out. ((...shakes it off...))
I pray that on March 2nd when I go in to see my OBGYN he will take pity on me for never having periods, and I pray that he will just try and induce my periods and then give me something to keep them regular.
I have been doing so well eating right and exercising. So that's a good thing which I think will only help me get healthier and hopefully help me to have periods.
It's just kinda scary not knowing what the heck is wrong with you, and I always think the worst.
Today at work Malorie (BFF) and I were messing with eachother's hair after my clients, and I felt like I needed something to make me feel better. (When hairstylists need to feel better, we typically like to change our hair, lol, don't ask me why, we just do.) So I put coon tails in my hair...and I LOVE them! (if you don't know what coon tails are they are like a chunk of your hair that's striped.) Google image it, it'll come up. But yeah, I feel way better about myself after that lol.
My new project to try and keep my mind off of my non-existant periods is totally re-vamping our back patio. We have a large patio area off of our apartment and it was sooo gross out there from all the rain and dirt and stuff, so the other day I put on my old clothes, bought a new hose and went to town scrubbing it up like crazy and trying to rake up all the leaves that had fallen from a tree that hangs over our patio (which drops about 93247109741 leaves a day!) By the end I was completely muddy and covered in filth but the patio was sparkling clean! So now's the fun part............gardening, shopping and decorating...oh my!
"When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place."
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Monday, February 16, 2009
I'm pretty sure I had this dream since I went to bed with alot on my mind. Before bed I had read Angry Infertile's last blog post and it really hit me hard. Everything she said in her last post is like everything that's been on my mind that I have been too ashamed to say out loud. I commented her and thanked her for saying what I'm sure most of us are thinking. I got up the guts to read it to Mike and with every word I read my throat tightened a little bit more until tears were rolling, but I continued reading. I wanted him to know how I felt without having to put it into my own words because she said it so perfectly. Afterwards I sat here and sobbed into Mike's chest as he held me. But it felt like a good cry. A cry to get it all out and to get my fears out in the open for him to see. He told me he wanted me to talk about this kind of stuff with him and that he's here. I just have put on the "I'm so strong and tough and I'm totally okay with everything" face for so long it was hard to let my true feelings show. So I'm not gonna bottle it up anymore. That's my new decision.
Just noting also that today is cycle day 45! 45!!!! That's soooo long! Well I guess not as long as my last cycle that was 6 months, but hey, we're still counting! I'm hoping that when I see my doctor on March 2nd he'll just want to try to induce my periods. I have my fingers crossed for that.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
So we end up at Newport Beach and it's only about 7:15 and the surprise didn't start till 9 so we walked around and window shopped. We stopped at a cute restaurant on the bordwalk that looks over all the yatchs in the harbor and had a few drinks at the bar to kill time. Finally it was time for the surprise and we walked a couple doors down and into a Gondola ride shop! We got checked in and our gondolier met us down at the dock (dressed in full gondolier getup). It was sooo cute. Mike and I on this big gondola with our gondolier pushing us all around Newport Harbor and Newport Island. It was so dark out and we could see all the stars in the sky including my wishing star (the center star on Orion's belt) and Mike and I both made a wish on it (Mike wished for a house on Newport Island and I wished for a baby lol). The whole time the gondola had Italian music playing. We shared a basket of cheese, salami and bread, and a bottle of sparkling cider. It was soooo cute! They had us bundled up in a blanket and even though it was so cold out, we were so warm cuddling on the front of our gondola. The whole ride was about an hour long and it was amazing!
I have such a great husband. I am thankful for everything I have with him. He is such an amazing, sweet and caring guy!
So that was my big surprise date and I loved it!
I love you Mike!! xoxo
Friday, February 13, 2009
Mike has some super secret covert-op date night planned for valentines day and I have no idea what we're doing! It's driving me crazy trying to figure it out. I know we're going to dinner, but then he said the surprise part is at 9pm. Hmmmmm??? All the info I've gotten out of him so far is to dress warm, it's not dressy, and it was kinda pricey. I have NO idea what that all adds up to. Hopefully he's adopted a kid from somewhere freezing and we're going to pick him up. No? No one else think that? Oh well a girl can dream right?
Hope everyone has an awesome valentines day and you get to spend it with the one who holds your heart!
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
Thursday, February 5, 2009
I have a couple days to catch up on so here goes…
Tuesday: I called West Coast Fertility (WCF) to check and make sure my approval from the insurance had come back, so I’d be all set for my appt there for today. The girl I’ve been dealing with is so nice and helpful and you can tell she’s got a really understanding personality. So I talk to her and she said that I needed to call my insurance, because they’re the ones that would have the approval. So I call Mike at work, because I was at work and didn’t have the number. So he called insurance. He called me back and said insurance said since our medical group is Saint Jude Heritage (SJH) and one of their doctor’s wrote the referral for us, then they should be the ones with the approval and insurance gave me their number. (Tiny bit stressed, but still ok.) So I called SJH and talked to a girl there and she said “Oh no, that’s your insurance that has to write the approval and you need to call them. (Getting more stressed.) Called insurance…nope they sent me back to SJH. (This point stress level is starting to really build up.) Talked to the same girl and she says oh, you have to call your insurance. I almost lost it and explained to her, I keep getting bounced back and forth, I’ve been calling both SJH and insurance and both groups say oh no that’s not us, I’m at the end of my rope here and I don’t know what to do, please help me. She assured me it was insurance that I needed to deal with and I said, ok they keep telling me no, and at this point I’m so confused to even know what to ask for, please tell me an exact sentence to say to them (I was so stressed I couldn’t even think lol). So she tells me to tell them “it’s only a consultation, which is a carve out, and no treatment is being done yet.” Ok so I call insurance back, get a different girl on the phone and tell her that exact sentence and she says “Oh yeah that would be us that approves that.” Thank God I finally talked to SOMEONE that knew what they were doing. She tells me it’s approved since it’s covered in our plan, so I asked her if she could send the approval to WCF. She says, she doesn’t have to and that it’s just automatically approved and then says have a great appointment. (Stress level came back down.)
Wednesday (yesterday): The girl from WCF called me in the morning to confirm my appt for today and wanted me to call her back to confirm since she got my voicemail. I called her back and she asked if I had gotten the approval. I said yes and told her what insurance said about not having to bring anything in. She said that they needed to send something to her. (Stress level waaaaaaay back up again.) I told her about everything I went thru on Tuesday and she (so so so nice) said, well why don’t you come in for your appt and while you’re in with the doctor I’ll call your insurance and figure it out. (love her). Then she asked if I could just call the doctor’s office that referred me to see if they had it. So I called my Dr’s office and talked with the same nurse that had written up the referral. She said oh yeah I remember you, let me go grab your info please hold. She came back and the tone of her voice was completely different. “Oh my gosh, I made a big mistake, I wasn’t allowed to refer you to WCF because we aren’t contracted with them.” “What?” I said. Then she tells me that I have to go see my OBGYN for everything instead. (This was the day that without my loving husband, my cousin Lauren and my parents being there for me, Amy would have gone on a murderous rampage blowing people away with a bazooka!) She said “give me 5 minutes and I’ll call over there so you can call and make an appt right away and not have to wait.” SOOO I got in the shower to try and de-stress, and then called SJH Medical Center for Women to make an appt with my OBGYN. Here’s the convo… ME: Hi I was referred by Doctor C to DR. H to make an appt. since we’re having trouble TTC etc… SJH: Oh ok, well you need to be referred here. ME: I just said I had a referral…Dr. C’s nurse said she called over to do a push thru so I could make an appt. SJH: Oh, well maybe it hasn’t come thru yet so cal back later today and try to make an appt then. ME: OK.
So I go run errands with Lauren and am totally venting to her and she’s letting me de-stress and I’m feeling better. So we go have a nice lunch at an English pub, right down the street from my place, and my phone rings and it’s DR C’s nurse again “Hi Amy? We have another little problem I can’t refer you to your OBGYN for fertility yet. They said you have to go thru all these steps by getting your husband checked out first. He needs to get an SA done…etc…” I said, “well that really isn’t the problem yet. I have NO periods, so there’s not even a chance of us getting pregnant right now, I’m not ovulating, It’s all me right now” So she said ok well, I’ll do a push thru just for you back to your OBGYN, not for fertility, but just for irregular periods.
So I was soooo stressed the past 2 days, had to call and cancel my appt with WCF, and I still haven’t called my OB to try and get in there.
This whole situation is stressful enough as it is, why does everyone have to make it THAT much harder?? I had that appt for 2 weeks!!! No one could have realized the two weren’t contracted with each other???
I think I’m losing it over here…I had a couple panic attacks yesterday during all this which I hadn’t had in a long time. None so far today (thank God).
Side note: The next person to tell me “just relax, you’re over thinking it, when you relax, that’s when it will happen” WILL get blown away by a bazooka!!!
Monday, February 2, 2009
I did a FRER this morning, and BFN again. So yeah, no baby. At least I still have my fertility specialist appt on thursday to look forward to.