Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Still here, still waiting.

This wait is going better than I thought it would. I'm actually glad our Dr has put us on a mandatory "time out" so to speak. I'm a pro at waiting though as you all know, and I'm really at a point in my life where I just need to take care of myself.

In a few months, this ttc journey will have reached a full 2 years. Where did the time go? How is it that that much time has been able to pass, and so quickly. Sure living it has been long and has felt so drawn out, but when you look back, it seems like just a blink of the eye.

For a little while, mentally, I wasn't doing so well. Even now I find it difficult and I feel like the odds are extremely against us, but I won't quit!!



THIS is my life!! I promise myself I WILL have children. This IS my dream. This alone is what I was born to a mother. I know that in my heart of hearts, that is my role in life. Nothing more and nothing less. This is my dream, and I will have it!

And I'm not taking no for an answer.....

Thursday, January 21, 2010

It makes me sad that people I had been TTC with a while back that had gotten pregnant and have had their babies, are coming back to start TTC their next one. Not sad for them, just sad for me.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

CD 1

AF has made her grand appearance. At least she came without having to take Provera. That's a first. Maybe this "break" will do us good. Clear the mind and take care of myself a little bit more. I'm feeling a little better today but still pretty depressed. I've only cried like 40% of the day unlike yesterday's 70%. I can tell DH is a little sad too. I think he also had his hopes up which totally breaks my heart more than anything else.

We're leaving on vacation tomorrow and will be back monday evening, so at least it will be a good start to our "break" we have to take. I'll post pictures when we get back.

Have a good weekend all!

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Crushed in California

Its over, it's so over. AF isn't here yet(I have started cramping so she's on her way), but I just talked to my Dr to get the results of my progesterone test and my pelvic ultrasound.
Well the progesterone came back at a 3! Which I guess means I didn't O, but I'm confused becasue my chart thinks I did. Unless I had my progesterone too early, but it was only 6dpo when you're supposed to have it done a week after you O. Even still one day wouldnt take it up to like a 10.

Then she went over my ultrasound results and said I had a moderate amount of fluid in my pelvis/uterus which was why I was so uncomfortable. She said either a cyst had ovulated and that's what it was, or it was hyperstimulation, or something else, but I wasn't really listening because I knew what she was going to say next. All of that means I can't do 150mg of Clomid this next cycle becasue we need to take "a break" for 4-6weeks. *cries*

So the "gameplan" is go back in for a follow-up ultrasound in 4-6 weeks (I'll pick 4 thank you) And then if everything is all clear she'll just call in a prescription of 150mg of Clomid for me so I won't have to go back into see her untill my Clomid Check after that.

How stupid I was to think that it could just happen. I mean haven't I learned? How many times can you get your hopes up before you learn that you're not "one of the lucky ones". I feel so stupid and foolish. *cries*

*crawls back into hole of depression and seclusion*

Monday, January 11, 2010

Need to obsess during your 2ww?

GO NUTS!!! …but more importantly…

New favorite:

Very very very TMI

Very TMI about CM (cervical mucous) Don't read ahead if you are easily grossed out...being an infertile diary all the good bad and very very ugly will be talked about... you've been warned...

I went to the restroom and I checked my CP and CM and my CM is like very's like not really dry, it has some moisture, kinda clumpy and the little clumps are like peach in color and a few random clumps are very very light pink. (I can only see the color if I wipe it on TP)

Do you think it's the start of AF? I can take honesty. I really hope it's IB (implantation bleeding) but I've learned to not get my hopes up.

If it turns into a full on heavy flow, then I'm out...if it goes away, there's a very good chance it could be IB.
I went to check Postsecret's blog today to look at the new postcards posted yesterday and this was the first one *cry*. I cried my eyes out for them and for us, and for all the infertile people in the's just not fair and I feel like I've been so strong and I just don't know how much more strength I have in me.

Eff you 9dpo

I had a huge drop in my temp today

Either it's an implantation dip or AF is on her way. I can't even look at my chart without bawling my eyes out. I think it might be over. We'll only be able to tell with tomorrows temp. If it shoots back up above my coverline, it could be an implantation dip. If my temp stays lower, then I'm probably out.

My heart kinda hurts right now.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

It's the end of 8dpo

The end of 8dpo is here, meaning I'll be 9dpo in an hour. How is this 2ww flying by so fast? I guess when you're used to waiting 6 months at a time for a natural cycle to pass, 2 weeks is nothing.

I'm getting really really nervous all of a sudden.

50% of me wants the 2ww to be over so I know if I'm pregnant or not.
50% of me doesn't want the 2ww to be over because I'm scared of testing.

Oh I've tested yesterday and today, but they weren't "real" tests. You know FOR SURE when you test at 7dpo and 8dpo that they will be BFNs, and the fact that I'm getting really close to the days others have gotten BFPs really scares the crap out of me.

Part of me says "Oh we've used all of our luck just by ovulating this cycle!"
The other part says "Oh but we've been through enough, and it's our turn now!"

Part of me says "There is no way anything has implanted!"
The other part says "But there were TWO eggs! More of a chance!"

Part of me wants to run around dancing and the other wants to cry.

So I sit here somewhere in between....

...Scared enough to be realistic...but happy enough to have hope.

Friday, January 8, 2010

Eggbert is that you?

For the past like 2 hours now I've had this weird feeling in my least it feels like it's my uterus..but on the right side of my uterus. It's like an intense scratching/pulsating/itching/pinching/digging/burning feeling right in the same exact spot...I can't describe it. I really hope it's Eggbert holdin' on for dear life!! lol

6 DPO finally!

Finally I'm at 6dpo lol...last time I thought I was and got bumped back to 3dpo lol. I had my 2nd progesterone draw of the cycle today so hopefully those numbers come back higher than the 0.8 I got last time. Not too much else to update on...just playing the waiting game.

Thursday, January 7, 2010


I got back earlier from my ultrasound and I won't know much untill my Dr calls me back in a couple days. (I had to go to radiology for it so it wouldn't be classified as infertility and cost me more). Hopefully everything's all good and I can have my next RX of Clomid just in case I need it since I'll be on vacation when(if) I need to take it. I couldn't really get anything out of the US tec, so hopefully she didn't see anything bad.

No symptoms to really speak of today.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

4dpo take 2

Just wanted to answer all the testing questions on my last post. I probably won't be testing till about 12dpo which would be next Thursday. I'm also leaving for Puerto Vallarta early Thursday morning so I probably won't update till I get back Monday the 18th unless I can get on the computer at some point.

Super bloated today, like it really hurts. I'm nervous for my ultrasound tomorrow since my stomach is kinda painful, I just don't really want some ultrasound tec pushing around there at the moment. The last time I had one done with the ultrasound tec (not my Dr) she really hurt me with the internal. She pushed so hard in there to get pics of my ovaries that for the rest of the day I was contracting! Not fun! At least tomorrow is one of my days off, so I don't have to work while contracting! lol Hopefully she'll be gentle.

Had a little temp dip this morning, but it could be because I took it at the wrong time. I set my temping alarms for 7:30am and this morning DH's alarm woke me up at 6:45, so I just temped then (grrrrrrr!)

Tuesday, January 5, 2010

3dpo take 2

So I've decided to list possible symptoms everyday so if (by the small chance) I am pregnant, I'll have all my symptoms down for reference.

  • My lower abdomen is very bloated and prety sore. (it hurts me to even bend over)
  • I have been having the WORST acid reflux/heartburn for the past couple days
  • headache is still here (I had a migrane on O day and some of the headache still comes back)
  • last night and today my legs have been cramping (yes! I've heard that was a symptom!) lol
  • my lower back is very crampy
  • nipples are KILLING
  • and yes more twinges and pinches.

All of this will probably lead up to nothing, but it's still so fun to obsess!!

Back from my Clomid check

When I put my temp into this morning it said my O date was on CD 24 instead of CD21. Which really kinda makes sense seeing the huge temp spike. My Dr also said she agrees with cd24 vs cd21. On FF I put a +OPK on new years eve (when I had gotten that one that was super close) and it also changed my O date to CD24 but with dotted CHs. My projesterone draw I had done on CD21 was 0.8! That's way too low, but I'm doing another one in a few days to confirm O for CD24.

Also I've been having alot of pelvic pressure and when she was doing my vaginal exam today it was pretty painful when she was pressing on my uterus and my left ovary. So she wants me to go have an ultrasound, so I scheduled one for this Thursday. She wants to make sure I don't have any major cycsts or anything like that, which could rupture and make me really sick if we were to just to another round of Clomid right away. So we have to check for HOSS (hyper ovarian stimulation syndrome). I doubt I have it since last cycle the 50mg did nothing, and we only did 100mg this cycle. But hey what's another "syndrome" to add to the pile right? lol So if that comes back normal, she'll just call an Rx for Clomid over for me so I can have it before I leave for Mexico next thursday. The pain could honestly be gas though as I've been SUPER bloated! Like my stomach already looks like I've got twins in there!

She also did a pregnancy test (which is kinda dumb being as I'm now only 3dpo) which was with 3rd urine of the day lol. Obviously negative!

So yeah I've got a lot of work cut out for me over the next week and a half, and instead of being 6dpo I'm only 3dpo. But I'm still happy I'm in a 2ww. 3 extra days to wait is nothing compared to the year and a half of hell we've been through. At least we're making progress!

Monday, January 4, 2010


I go in tomorrow for my Clomid check, which will be pointless because I'm not even anywhere close to testing time. I don't want to reschedule though because she is sooo hard to get into. I think I'll ask her if I can just have a Rx for provera and clomid again just to have in case this cycle is a bust, that way I won't have to come back in again in like a week. So that way if I'm not pregnant I can just start things and not have to worry about it. That's my plan. I'll see what she says.

My chart went up a tiny bit again today at 98.7 which I guess is pretty good...I wonder if I'll hit 99. We'll see what it does in the next few days and if I get any kind of implantation dips or anything like that. I just hope at least one of the 2 eggs is able to implant!

God, please let this be the end of our battle with infertility....please.

Sunday, January 3, 2010


I'm 4 DPO today and had a beautiful temp spike today!!

Isn't it so pretty!? lol

Yesterday I had the world biggest migraine. I felt so nauseous too. I'm feeling pretty nauseous today too and my (tmi) nipps are hurting really bad. (which I had last cycle and it just might be a side effect from the clomid?) Time will tell! I'm not ever stressed in this very first 2ww! I mean I've been waiting for over a year and a half to O, what the heck is 2 weeks compared to that right!? lol

Saturday, January 2, 2010


FF seems to think that I o'd on wed. Here's a link to my chart: I hope I did! I also got negative OPKs that day but don't have them on there. I hope it's right!

Friday, January 1, 2010

Update 5pm OPK

Okay, so I did my 5pm opk and it was I think that I either missed the surge last night, or because of my chart, ovulated on wed. Or none at all...but maybe I'm in my very first 2ww?? I guess we'll be able to tell in a couple days by my chart!

Update 12pm

Okay so I just tested again about 20 minutes ago and it's a negative test...I wonder if I missed my surge last night? The test I took yesterday was at 5pm, and then starting at around 9pm I had some pretty strong pains in both of my ovaries (more my left)...could that have been O? I'm going to test again today at 5pm to see if I get a darker test then. I mean in real life that test yesterday was sooo much darker than the picture shows, like it looked literally almost positive. I guess my chart will tell us too in the next few days. Thanks everyone for all the support!! I'm excited!

We ended up BDing anyways last night too, so if I did O, it ws perfect timing I guess. I will update after my 5pm test this evening