Thursday, June 17, 2010

2 years of TTC

2 years…

24 months…

730 days…

Of infertility.



I can’t believe it has been that long. Living it, day by day, seems to go on forever, but looking back it has happened so fast…and that scares me. It scares me that I very well may go even more years without children…decades…a lifetime.

When you’re in it, truly in it, there’s a sense of drowning. Feeling like you try to swim harder and faster and more frantically, but just can never quite reach the top. Sure you get close sometimes, but there’s always a giant wave that comes crashing back down on you, sending you into a headfirst spiral deeper and deeper until you don’t even know which way is up anymore. Waves…choppy water…white caps…it all hurts you. Every little thing pulls you deeper and deeper… until you feel like your lungs will explode…

….and then it happens...


… a little part of you dies.

A little bit of hope leaves you…and with it, a tiny fragment of your heart.
Month by month. Year by year. Those little pieces have exchanged themselves for bricks, and a wall starts forming around your heart. My good friend Kelly once shared this quote with me:

“As long as you keep getting born, it's alright to die some times.” ~ Orson Scott Card

I think that sometimes you have to let yourself die to rebuild…and every time you “die”, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time…you strengthen your heart. The longer it lasts, the more times it happens and the more times you come back fighting…it just makes you a little bit stronger. A little bit tougher. That little brick wall that forms around your heart, is only there to protect it. After failing so many times, even though it kills you…it does make you stronger.

So in retrospect I think that sometimes you *have* to die, to be reborn.

It took me a long time to realize that. I was always trying to be so strong and would get so upset with myself if I started feeling bad, but it ate me up inside. I didn’t let myself die enough which, in reality, was killing my spirit.

So here’s my little bit of wisdom to pass on to those who may be just starting out: remember, no matter where you are on your journey to your miracle, or any other difficult place life may lead you…it’s okay to fall, and it’s okay to die….just remember to come back to life.

9 comments:

Jillian said...

:hug:

Janessa said...

That's beautiful. *hugs*

ElizabethMcKinnon said...

Amy, you are so beautiful!

Amanda said...

Amy you are so strong! That was a wonderful post.

"Only if you've been in the deepest valley can you ever know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain."
- Richard Nixon

Melissa said...

(((hugs)))...I can't explain why but as I was reading your post I was suddenly crying. I feel so much for you and I want you to have your BFP so much! Keeping FX for you!

unaffected said...

I love that quote.

It's funny, as time goes by I find myself becoming more and more obsessed with TTC. Every month when AF shows, I die. But then I am reborn and want it more badly than ever.

*hugs*

Hollister said...

It's soo true <3
You are one hell of a strong woman. I am hoping for you and your DH all of the time!!!!!!!!

Marisa said...

I'm a year behind you in the TTC process, and completely agree with the part about dying a little bit more with each passing, day, month, cycle. Truth be told, I'm not even hoping anymore. Isn't that horrible? I feel like if I don't even hope anymore how can I possibly deserve a baby? And that's just even more depressing. Glad I found your blog, will be reading & hoping with you that we both find out miracle sooner rather than later.

Melodie Peachey said...

Amy, this made me cry because, you are so right. Everything about this post is so true. :*)