Sunday, August 29, 2010

Nightmares of Loss

They say pregnancy dreams are out of control and that's no joke. Every single time I close my eyes, fall asleep and wake up, I can remember every single dream I had during that period, which is crazy. Insane detailed dreams. Alot of happy ones, really colorful ones, a few about our future child and a couple about adoption (the adoption ones are always intense and I wake up crying happy tears, and I have a strong feeling this is my calling for the future.)

Well lately I don't know if it's been from stress or what, but my dreams have turned to nightmares, and the worst of all came a few nights ago. I dreamed I had lost our baby, and given birth at about 15/16 ish weeks. It was strange though, the baby was wrapped in a cocoon of some sort and we had to break it open to see inside. She was tiny and about the size of the palm of my hand. Her skin was smooth and glossy and her little hands were crossed right over her stomach, it went on but it's not pretty... I don't know why but I cannot get this dream out of my head. I woke up and just layed there and sobbed, first thinking it was real, then realizing it wasn't and crying because I was thankful it was a dream, and then cried more because...well I'm not quite sure why. Every single time I close my eyes I see it again, and I feel as if it's haunting me. I don't know if it's an intense fear of losing this baby or what, but I can't shake that scared haunted feeling.

Has this happened to anyone else? I'm feeling a little bit crazy honestly.


Sarah said...

What a horrible dream! I'm sorry! I can't completely imagine how you must be feeling after such a long journey, Amy, but I do know that I was scared too. The 2nd loss I had I didn't find out about until 12 weeks and the baby passed at 8 weeks. I happened to be on vacation in FL when it happened and it was extremely bloody and messy and I was scared. I remember passing the placenta and it really freaked me out.

Think happy thoughts! Everything will be fine. Soon you will find out the sex of this little baby and you can pick out a name and oh, this part of the pregnancy is just so fun! Enjoy every moment, sweetie. You deserve it.

Lindsey said...

How awful! I know what you mean about intense dreams, but I haven't expereinced anything like that. I'm so sorry that it keeps haunting you- and I hope that you are able to get past these awful dreams very quickly!!!

Nick and Kristi said...

I have had nightmares but none about loss which is amazing considering I have had four....My latest nightmares is about my class reunion gone bad...Im part of the planning party and I keep having weird dreams about the event....and I have had other nightmares too....but none that pertain to my baby...Before you go to bed maybe try reading something to distract yourself from your own thougths:)

Lana said...

That is a very horrible dream. I had a couple of them and I was terrifeid for the entire time that I was pregnant and look at me my little Sahara is here. Hang in there hun!

Anonymous said...

I understand. I think when you go through so much to have a baby or if you have had a loss, you tend to have these horrible thoughts in your mind and they seem to be carried into your dreams while you sleep. I had a mc in May and I still have that nightmare but then I also have hopeful ones too. I'm hoping to get pregnant at the end of the year and I pray not to have those nightmares that I am having now. I think it is perfectly normal to have fears. I pray once you see your itybity today all those fears will vanish for you Amy. Congratulations on your bundle of joy!


Melissa @MotherhoodWantd said...

When I was preggers I never had the m/c or loss dreams...but they felt crazy real and extremely detailed. They made me sad. For some reason a big theme was being separated from my husband. In one, I can't remember why we divorced, but neither of us wanted it and I was promised to his brother, who was a prince. It was to be a political marriage and I didn't want it one bit. I was going to try and make the best of it, but then DH moved into a room in the palace (small room that was wrecked). It was his before we married. We met and reconciled, but I couldn't break the engagement, so we started having an affair!! But I do remember feeling deep extreme sadness in all of my dreams, whatever they were about.

hugsies. I hope this passes soon!

Hollister said...

You poor thing :'( Sadly my nightmares came true before. I had dreamed that I was bleeding, losing my baby, and DH didn't want it. Well, woke up and later that day I found out the baby wasn't growing.
Fortunately not all nightmares come true and I'm sure it's pretty normal to have such a dream. I'll be crossing all that your little darling gets over the hump of 15/16 weeks and you can breathe a sigh of relief :)