Second Beta.

My first #s on monday were HCG 133 and Projesterone: 28 and today's draw was HCG 420 and Projesterone 29. Nurse Perky said those numbers look really good! She said based on my first draw and this one, I'm still pretty early, so I'm just guessing and going to say I may be a little over 4 weeks. I'll do another Beta next thursday and she said when my numbers get to around 12,000 (I think thats what she said) then we can do our u/s to do measurments. I totally cried hapy tears on the phone to her lol.

Big sigh of relief, I'm happy. God is so good.

Telling our families

Some of you asked how we told our families, well here is a video! I think in the excitement, I said I had wrote March 31st in the frames but meant March 1st

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0P3bYjHckJQ

BFP-the back story

So let's recap this cycle real quick...

We were doing our "Clomid Challenge Cycle" and getting all of the routine tests out of the way so we could move on to bigger and better things like IVF. Well, back on June 1st, I went in for my follicle check. The right ovary showed nothing worth mentioning. The left ovary was the one that had had the massive cyst on it for so long, so when we saw an 18mm "something" We assumed it was the cyst that had been there for months...I'm thinking now that was a 18mm follicle.

This past weekend, we went on a road trip to Sacramento for my husband's Grandfather's birthday. It's about a 6 hour drive from where we are in southern California, so when I had lower back cramping driving up there on friday, I thought nothing of it and just thought it had to do with the long car ride. Saturday I had the same lower back aches, but this time accompanied by waves of nausea and lower abdominal cramping. It happened a few times during the day and I thought I was getting sick. Sunday driving home, all the aches and nausea kept coming in waves and I was just so uncomfortable. My uterus and ovaries felt lke they were going to explode but in all honesty (here's TMI Amy again) I hadn't gone #2 the whole weekend (yes I have a wierd problem where it's hard to go on vacation) so I thought it was all from being constipated. We went out to dinner with my parents for Father's day and came home.

That night I was still having bad pains. Mike had already gone to bed and it was about 10pm or so. I still was feeling horrible, and then had a random thought that "Oh, maybe I'm going to ovulate!" I ran to the bathroom, after only holding it for about 30 min-an hour, and peed in a cup and used an OPK and saw the darkest positive on an OPK I have ever gotten. When I had gotten my OPKs out a box of FRER HPTs fell out of the cabinet and I just thought..."hmmmm, really really dark OPK, I've heard of it happening before...what the heck, when do I ever get to test??" So I dipped a HPT into the same cup and set it on the counter. I left the bathroom for literally about 90 seconds came back and there was a BLARING positive! I swear I almost fainted!

I took the stairs 2 at a time to get up to our bedroom to Mike and flipped the light switch. He half sat up and looked at me squinty eyed. I ran over half hysterical laughing, half hysterical crying which Mike later told me made him think that I had officially lost it....

...I threw the test at him....

...I yelled OMG is that real!?!?...

.........and then I fell to my knees on the floor at the side of the bed and BAWLED my eyes out.

Every tear that I have ever shed in the past 2 years has been worth it for this exact moment. God is so so good and has showed me that when you are truly faithful to Him, He will be faithful to you. It's a miracle. On my bucket list one of the things I have had on there for so long is to witness a miracle, and I can cross that one off now.

That girl who was dying and drowning a few posts back, has finally reached the surface. She has broken free from being held under for so long and feels like she has taken her first breath into her new life. The light is finally on her face and the darkness is gone from her heart.

Believe. Dream. Hope. Have faith.

Never give up. Miracles happen. I'm a true witness to that.

I don't even know how far along I am. I *think* maybe 4-6 weeks. I have my next beta testing on Thursday to make sure my numbers are rising. Please keep us in your prayers and thoughts. I am absolutely terrified of losing this baby. I have no idea when I can have my first u/s since I have no idea how far along I am. I just want to make sure IttyBitty has implanted in the right spot, has a sac and a beating heart. I think I may rest a little easier then.

I want to thank all of you for being so supportive in this journey. I'm going to stay on this blog until I finally have a baby in my arms. I love you all.

Never give up hope.

BFP?

So...yeah...

Ummmmm...

I don't have any idea how it happened, but it turns out I'm kind of pregnant. *faints*



Betas today were HCG: 133 and Projesterone: 28

I'll post more later. <3 We're still in shock.

:)

"A grand adventure is about to begin" ~Winnie the Pooh

2 years of TTC

2 years…

24 months…

730 days…

Of infertility.



I can’t believe it has been that long. Living it, day by day, seems to go on forever, but looking back it has happened so fast…and that scares me. It scares me that I very well may go even more years without children…decades…a lifetime.

When you’re in it, truly in it, there’s a sense of drowning. Feeling like you try to swim harder and faster and more frantically, but just can never quite reach the top. Sure you get close sometimes, but there’s always a giant wave that comes crashing back down on you, sending you into a headfirst spiral deeper and deeper until you don’t even know which way is up anymore. Waves…choppy water…white caps…it all hurts you. Every little thing pulls you deeper and deeper… until you feel like your lungs will explode…

….and then it happens...


… a little part of you dies.

A little bit of hope leaves you…and with it, a tiny fragment of your heart.
Month by month. Year by year. Those little pieces have exchanged themselves for bricks, and a wall starts forming around your heart. My good friend Kelly once shared this quote with me:

“As long as you keep getting born, it's alright to die some times.” ~ Orson Scott Card

I think that sometimes you have to let yourself die to rebuild…and every time you “die”, even though it doesn’t feel like it at the time…you strengthen your heart. The longer it lasts, the more times it happens and the more times you come back fighting…it just makes you a little bit stronger. A little bit tougher. That little brick wall that forms around your heart, is only there to protect it. After failing so many times, even though it kills you…it does make you stronger.

So in retrospect I think that sometimes you *have* to die, to be reborn.

It took me a long time to realize that. I was always trying to be so strong and would get so upset with myself if I started feeling bad, but it ate me up inside. I didn’t let myself die enough which, in reality, was killing my spirit.

So here’s my little bit of wisdom to pass on to those who may be just starting out: remember, no matter where you are on your journey to your miracle, or any other difficult place life may lead you…it’s okay to fall, and it’s okay to die….just remember to come back to life.

Wordless Wednesday

Provera in Hand

I picked up my Rx for my Provera and for my Z-pack this evening. I guess I'll call Nurse Perky to see if she got the results back from the blood pregnancy test, so I can start my Provera, although I think it's okay to start taking it as I had zero follicles at my follie check. If I start my Provera tomorrow I should have CD 1 by June 28th (I'm like clockwork with Provera, I ALWAYS start 3 days after my last pill.) Which means that my HSG will get scheduled for either July 5th, 6th or 7th. Wow that's really close! I start taking the Z-pack the day before the HSG to prevent infection.

I still haven't heard back about my 2hour GTT yet, but I'm hoping I will by the end of the week *fingerscrossed*

In the meantime I pray, pray, PRAY!

xoxo

Rainbow After the Rain

Thank you all for your support on my last post about the mega meltdown. I love you all so much and could not have asked for a better support system. I am so blessed to have every single one of you in my life and I thank God all the time for you.

Two of my cousins and I threw one of my other cousins a baby shower today and it was lovely. We had an "Alice in Wonderland" themed tea party and it was alot of fun. The one time an infertile really really obsesses about her infertility is sitting through a baby shower, but today was totally different. I felt nothing but sheer joy for my cousins and their soon to be new sweet baby boy.

Crazy at it is, through most of the shower, I didn't think about infertility and just enjoyed myself. I honestly forgot about the whole thing and for once, in a long long time, felt...well...normal. And it felt great! The one time in the whole shower I remembered I was infertile was while my cousin was opening gifts and I went to hand her the scissors. I reached out my arm, looked down, and saw the marks and bruises caused by my last GTT, and you know what I did? I laughed. Out loud! I think I was just so shocked that I hadn't thought about it the whole day and it felt amazing! It was kind of a sweet moment, feeling extreme happiness at the exact moment when I would normally feel extreme sadness.

So tonight once again, I sing praises to our Lord...

Prayers of thanks for my beautiful family.

Prayers of thanks for the new life that is about to enter the world.

Prayers of thanks for the peace that God has granted me today.

While I wait to cradle a baby of my own in my arms, I know that I rest safely in the arms of our Lord..........and there's no where else I'd rather be.

Meltdowns

Well the days seem to be moving right along. I have been so busy that this cycle has flown by! (which is awesome) I'm only on CD21 today, but on Monday I will go in for a blood pregnancy test (ha-ha) and when that comes back negative I can get my Rx filled for my provera and move on to the next cycle. Once I start my next cycle, then I have to call and schedule my HSG (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN!!) I admit I'm a little nervous, just for the cervix clamping and catheter part *shudders* The rest of it, I'm not too worried about. At least I'll get a day off of work and some pampering by DH! ;)

I had my 2 hour GTT today and it went by pretty fast, which was good. I have some beautiful bruises, dots and track marks, and once again look like a junkie. They took 8 big vials today!

I did have a few meltdowns when I woke up this morning. DH was getting ready for work and I was getting dressed for my appointment, and just lost it! It was literally like "how many meltdowns can Amy have before 7:30 am today?" And by meltdown I mean MELTDOWN...like falling to my knees, faceplant into a pile of dirty laundry, laying on the floor of our bedroom, crying, sobbing, shaking meltdown....yeah...not one of my finer moments. All I could get out was "idontwanttohavetodoanymoretestsandihatethatwehavetogothroughallofthisandimtiredanditssoearlyandwhycant
wehaveababyandeveryoneelsecananditseasyforthem *breath* anditsnoteasyforuseverinourwholeentirelife sob sob sob."

DH was so sweet and layed down next to me and rubbed my back and told me that he wished that he could go through with all of the tests instead of me having to all the time. *enter more crying* Honestly, it was early...I'm not a morning person...I was tired. *sigh*

One day we'll all look back on this and laugh.......

....hopefully.

Wordless Wednesday

A Husband's Point of View

Hijacked!!!

Hello loyal readers! DW is taking the night off and her blog is firmly in the hands of me! DH! So, welcome to my inaugural ‘guest post’……

It’s been almost 2 years since our TTC journey began and needless to say, it has been a difficult one. While staying positive during this journey has been daunting, we remain optimistic, and after our consultation with “Dr. Wizard”, finally feel like we’re progressing towards parenthood.

From the perspective of a DH, there is a feeling of helplessness, of being a passive participant. There are fewer tests to take, fewer people who offer insensitive advice, and no medications to take. While we’re going through this together, I see DW shouldering more of the physical and emotional burden. I wish there was something I could do, something I could say that would ease DW’s pain.

I’ve tried so hard to hide my sadness and stay positive, thinking that would be the most supportive role to take. Although, after seeing the comfort and support DW has received from this blog and the TTC forums, maybe sharing would reinforce the strength she has found from so many of her new friends. It’s inspiring to know that there are so many people out there who are “in our corner” and I am proud that DW has been a source of support to them as well.

DW and I often say, and are firm believers in the old adage, “everything happens for a reason” and over the past 2 years we have had a lot of time to discuss parenthood. When God does bless us with a child, I know that we will be all the more prepared and appreciate each and every moment that much more. This journey gives me a glimpse of the mother my beautiful wife will be; loving, selfless, and determined. For this I am truly thankful.

Thanks for reading everyone, and babe……….here’s your blog back! :)

Well slap my *** and call me the Easter Bunny

Nurse Perky left me a voicemail this morning that said my testing came back being negative for Cystic Fibrosis (which I wasn't worried about) and that my FSH levels came back at a 4.4 She said they want to see that number under 10, if it's under 10 that means you still have eggs in your ovarian reserve and the lower the number the better! So I'd say that's pretty good! I'm so relieved that I still have many more chances!

...now...just to get those little guys to show themselves once in a while!

Back from my follie check.

Had my follie check for my "Clomid Challenge" cycle and the results were......







Zero mature follies. HA! And, thanks to our lovely insurance, my ultrasound today will cost about $270...you'd think I'd get like a discount or something for no follies lol. Nurse Perky is going to try and code it for "Ovarian Cysts" and see if my insurance will cover it, since I still have that massive 18mm cyst on my left ovary that has been there for the past like 6 months.

I also had my blood draw for my FSH today. Does anyone know what an FSH blood draw on CD12 checks for?