So I'm trying to get prepared for my (hopefully) first 150mg cycle, and I was buying OPKs and HPTs from my favorite internet cheapie site saveontests.com and I think once upon a time I was going to buy some, put some in my cart, and then didn't end up buying them, and didn't fully review my checkout cart this time, and now I have 25 HPTs & 125 OPKs headed my way!!! LOL Oh man! Just what a POAS addict needs. Oh well, I'll be fully prepared then! lol I think I'm also going to get some pre-seed for this cycle too in hopes that the 150mg gets me to ovulate. I sooo hope this cycle brings our miracle baby.
I was obsessing for a while, and really got down and depressed about the whole TTC thing. I didn't want to go to the forums anymore, or talk to anyone else TTC, or talk to any of my pregnant friends (sad I know). I think I was at my lowest point. I had to resign from being a TTC forum guide, just because I felt as if everytime I went in there, I couldn't breathe.
I think I've shed more tears in the past few months than ever in my life.
I was blank...
I was dark...
My heart didn't feel shattered or broken anymore, but like it was completely gone.
I've tried to get through it, but it consumed every part of my being.
I was talking to my good friend "L" the other day as I was doing her hair, and she also struggles with infertility, and she brought something up that changed my life. She said that she too had been feeling completely consumed by everything and finally, completely just gave it to God.
So I went home...and I prayed.
I told God I understood He has a plan for my life. I told Him I love Him and that whatever He was to do with my life, then so be it and I will go along with anything He wants for me....but to at least if nothing else...grant me peace.
And you know what? This simple prayer... above all the other long winded, drawn out, crying, screaming, sad prayers...........God heard.
And it was immediate.
I will still do what I can to try to get pregnant, but lately...
...my heart has been back inside my body
...all of it's little pieces are back together
...and it actually beats.
He heard me! And I have a strange renewed sense of faith in Him! I know he's working miracles up there, and I just KNOW with all of my put back together heart that one day, someday, we will be parents somehow.
I do think that all of this has been such a learning experiance for me. God has been training me to become a better parent. Even though I'm not a mother in my arms or womb...I'm a mother in my heart. I know I will never take my children for granted, and I will always be in awe of this miracle that will oneday happen in our lives...and God gave me the gift to fully understand what a miracle that will be!
So tonight I sing all praises to Him........my Father, teaching me to be a Mother.
PS. I know my friend "L" reads this, and I just wanted to thank her for opening my eyes back up to our Lord...and helping me regain peace in my life. It means more to me than you'll ever know! xoxo
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