Monday, March 8, 2010

Oops!

So I'm trying to get prepared for my (hopefully) first 150mg cycle, and I was buying OPKs and HPTs from my favorite internet cheapie site saveontests.com and I think once upon a time I was going to buy some, put some in my cart, and then didn't end up buying them, and didn't fully review my checkout cart this time, and now I have 25 HPTs & 125 OPKs headed my way!!! LOL Oh man! Just what a POAS addict needs. Oh well, I'll be fully prepared then! lol I think I'm also going to get some pre-seed for this cycle too in hopes that the 150mg gets me to ovulate. I sooo hope this cycle brings our miracle baby.

I was obsessing for a while, and really got down and depressed about the whole TTC thing. I didn't want to go to the forums anymore, or talk to anyone else TTC, or talk to any of my pregnant friends (sad I know). I think I was at my lowest point. I had to resign from being a TTC forum guide, just because I felt as if everytime I went in there, I couldn't breathe.

I think I've shed more tears in the past few months than ever in my life.

I was blank...

I was dark...

My heart didn't feel shattered or broken anymore, but like it was completely gone.

I've tried to get through it, but it consumed every part of my being.

I was talking to my good friend "L" the other day as I was doing her hair, and she also struggles with infertility, and she brought something up that changed my life. She said that she too had been feeling completely consumed by everything and finally, completely just gave it to God.

So I went home...and I prayed.

hard.

I told God I understood He has a plan for my life. I told Him I love Him and that whatever He was to do with my life, then so be it and I will go along with anything He wants for me....but to at least if nothing else...grant me peace.

And you know what? This simple prayer... above all the other long winded, drawn out, crying, screaming, sad prayers...........God heard.

And it was immediate.

I will still do what I can to try to get pregnant, but lately...
...my heart has been back inside my body
...all of it's little pieces are back together
...and it actually beats.

He heard me! And I have a strange renewed sense of faith in Him! I know he's working miracles up there, and I just KNOW with all of my put back together heart that one day, someday, we will be parents somehow.

I do think that all of this has been such a learning experiance for me. God has been training me to become a better parent. Even though I'm not a mother in my arms or womb...I'm a mother in my heart. I know I will never take my children for granted, and I will always be in awe of this miracle that will oneday happen in our lives...and God gave me the gift to fully understand what a miracle that will be!

So tonight I sing all praises to Him........my Father, teaching me to be a Mother.

PS. I know my friend "L" reads this, and I just wanted to thank her for opening my eyes back up to our Lord...and helping me regain peace in my life. It means more to me than you'll ever know! xoxo

9 comments:

Kelly said...

Wow... this touched me so much you have no idea. I am constantly praying for all the best things for you - peace in your heart, renewed hope for your spirit, and a baby in your belly soon. :) I love you Amy!!!!!

Lindsay said...

thisa made me cry... i love you... so beautifully expressed... xoxo

Pris said...

This is SO amazing! Thanks for sharing! God has been teaching me about S.U.R.R.E.N.D.E.R too..... diffcult and painful, but all there is to life actually.

Kelly - What happened to your TTC blog?

suz said...

So sweet and touching. I've been struggling lately too. There are just some dark times in this long journey. But he grants peace like no other.

To quote the song:

"All of You is more than enough for all of me. For every thirst and every need, You satisfy me with Your love and all I have in You is more than enough."

Hollister said...

That's really uplifting. I felt kind of the same way after I had a HUUUUUUUUGE meltdown after my miscarriage. Something changed in me and I just kind of let go of the agonizing trials. I mean I was still TTC but not like I had been, angry and upset and broken. Well I imagine most of it had to do with me planning my wedding. But I could go out and enjoy things again... enjoy hanging out friends and drinking even though more than anything I wanted to be swamped with a baby instead.

Big OPK orders tend to lead to good things I believe. So I hope you end up having to pass those on shortly ;)

Miracle in the Making said...

Thank you girls so much for your support! xoxo

ElizabethMcKinnon said...

AMY!!! You didn't just make my day, you made my life!!! I'm so glad you finally felt your peace that i found not too long ago... I couldn't imagine anything else we needed right now from God than peace and as funny as this sounds I think thats what He wanted for us more than anything in his plan... He loves us so much more than we could ever understand. God HAS blessed you already, and may He continue to bless you! Love you

Holly said...

Aww this is a beautiful post! Your miracle is coming soon. As you said, your baby already lives in your heart and it's just a matter of time until he or she is in your arms.

I had so much fun with you today too! Stalk away! :) *hugs*

dragondreamer said...

I have been sucking at staying caught up on blogs, but I wanted to pop in here late and tell you that this post touched my heart.. You're right. We can only do what we can do... the miracle is His to give. You are always in my prayers, Amy, but tonight instead of just speaking them I will add some faith <3