Bittersweet

I had a dream last night that I got a BFP. I was soooo happy. It was strange. A nurse was at my house and make me take a HPT because she said she wanted to teach me the right way to take it. lol So she showed me how and in my dream the window on the HPT was about a foot long and 2 dark lines showed up. All my cousins were at my house and I was running around whispering it to them because I didn't want Mike to hear because I wanted to surprise him, in real life, he'd be the first to know. Right before I was about to tell him I woke up and it was one of those dreams where you still, for like 5 seconds after waking up, think that it's truth. I can't remember a time I'd been more happy in my life than in those 5 after dream seconds this morning.

I'm pretty sure I had this dream since I went to bed with alot on my mind. Before bed I had read Angry Infertile's last blog post and it really hit me hard. Everything she said in her last post is like everything that's been on my mind that I have been too ashamed to say out loud. I commented her and thanked her for saying what I'm sure most of us are thinking. I got up the guts to read it to Mike and with every word I read my throat tightened a little bit more until tears were rolling, but I continued reading. I wanted him to know how I felt without having to put it into my own words because she said it so perfectly. Afterwards I sat here and sobbed into Mike's chest as he held me. But it felt like a good cry. A cry to get it all out and to get my fears out in the open for him to see. He told me he wanted me to talk about this kind of stuff with him and that he's here. I just have put on the "I'm so strong and tough and I'm totally okay with everything" face for so long it was hard to let my true feelings show. So I'm not gonna bottle it up anymore. That's my new decision.

Just noting also that today is cycle day 45! 45!!!! That's soooo long! Well I guess not as long as my last cycle that was 6 months, but hey, we're still counting! I'm hoping that when I see my doctor on March 2nd he'll just want to try to induce my periods. I have my fingers crossed for that.

A