No hope for the hopeless

I wish my ovaries would just work right. I'm not ovulating AT ALL. I know this is all I can post about because this is all that happens in my life. It just sucks I don't even have a chance to try. Most girls TTC ovulate, and even if they aren't getting pregnant, they still have a renewed sense of hope the next cycle. I have no hope...does that make me hopeless?

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No News Today Either

My Dr. still hasn't called yet...*grumble* I mean how long should it take for radiology to send over my ultrasound results? They are in different buildings, but right next to each other. Hmmm It's never taken this long before...hopefully they sent it to the right Dr. I'll try calling back on Monday to see if they have it yet. I just want to know if I have massive cysts...either I don't (or do but its ok) and I can do 150mg OR I have some and I have to go on birth control for a couple weeks. Honestly, right now I don't really care either way I'd just like to know. I'm just along for the ride.

No news yet.

I called my Dr, but they still haven't gotten the ultrasound pics back yet from radiology, so hopefully she'll give me a call either tomorrow or early next week. I'm praying everything looks clear and we can start our higher dose round of Clomid. I'll keep you posted.

Happy 20 Month-aversary Infertility!

The next person that says "good things come to those who wait" especially when they have 4 kids at home and are younger than me, gets punched in the face.

Happy 20 months of TTC to me.

Hello Ovaries!

Here's a picture I took with my camera phone of the screen right after my u/s today. There were from the internal, so I'm pretty sure they are ovaries. These were the only pics I could see on the screen, so I can't see much, except for (what I assume is) that fatty cyst in the top left picture.

My Dr should be calling me in a few days to let me know if we can start 150mg of Clomid this cycle. Hopefully all is well and we'll be able to.

u/s in one hour

And I have to pee!! I haaaate having to drink all this water and hold it, and I haaate having to go in and see a big black hole instead of a baby.

I don't wanna go! *sits in corner and pouts*

Our Plan

So Mike and I have been talking alot about what we want to do with treatments and infertility and babies and we've come to agreement that this is our plan... We're going to keep trying infertility treatments for a while and just kind of "go with the flow" so to speak. We're going to work really hard at saving up and buying a house and paying off our credit cards and stuff like that. When we are finally in a home/condo/townhome (that we own) we will be stopping all infertility treatments and from there on out pursue adoption.

We've done quite a bit of research lately and feel like this would be best for us. In all honesty I'm over TTC. I'm done with the constant disappointment. I really don't want to take another temperature, pop another pill, have blood drawn and countless tests done, and I'm really over having so many ultrasounds only to see an empty womb. When I really think about it, I can't ever see myself being pregnant. I can't ever see myself getting a positive pregnancy test and I can't ever see myself seeing anything other than an empty womb.

Lately I have been having so many adoption dreams, and it's been on my mind so so much. There have just been so many signs that I don't think are coincidence, but more the hand of God nudging us in that direction. When I fantasize about children, my fantasies are no longer of the Dr placing a newborn baby on my chest while I cry and DH kisses me. I don't fantasize about making pregnancy announcements. I don't fantasize about feeling a baby kicking from within. Instead my fantasies involve birthmothers choosing us, or getting "the call" that there is a baby/child waiting for us...or traveling to a distant place and experiencing our very own "Gotcha Day" the day we'll become a forever family.

I think of TTC and my heart breaks for Mike and I...but when I think of adoption, my heart swells and feels overjoyed. If we do happen to get pregnant we will be thrilled (after promply fainting)...but if we never do, we will be over the moon with adopting. Either way, we will have a family and we will be able to give all of our love to a child. Either way, we're very excited about the journey we will embark on.

"Biology is the least of what makes someone a mother"

I have my follow up u/s on Monday the 22nd and if all the fluids are cleared up from the last cycle, then we'll be able to move on to 150mg. I'm in such a blah place right now and I feel like I'm just along for the ride. Just kinda blank.

My sex schedule...when not on a schedule...look away dad look away

I called today to schedule my follow up ultrasound, but radiology changed locations, so I'll call the new location tomorrow and try and get in for Thursday the 18th. I'm excited! I'm pretty sure all fluids will be gone since I'm no longer having any pain, and as long as everything is all clear, My Dr will call me and give me the go ahead for 150mg Clomid this cycle and she'll even call in the Rx so I don't have to go into her office and pay an infertility co-pay of $101 thankyouverymuchDrL! I think I'm going to also ask her what she thinks about doing a HCG trigger shot this cycle so hopefully when I go in for my follie check ultrasound we have some nice big fatty follies (hopefully more than one) and we can trigger. We shall see. I'm very excited about the 150mg this cycle. I have a feeling it's going to do amazing things and hopefully it will be our magic number!

I hope I Oed all by myself this cycle, but I guess only time will tell as I'm only on CD 27. If I did O, it could have been anywhere between CD 21 & now, and If I did, we've got a fairly good shot this cycle being as for some unknown reason (probably the lack of stress since we're on a TTC "break") I've been in the mood more times than not and *ahem* have BD quite alot. Let me break it down for ya... (here's where we get too personal and I'd like to advise my Father to look away if your reading....Okay Dad, you've been warned...)
CD 15 4 times in one night...yes my DH is a stud
CD 16 Once in the morning, twice that night
CD 17 Once at night
CD 18 Twice at night
CD 21 Twice that night
CD 23 Once that morning
CD 24 Once at night
CD 26 Once at night
and I'm pretty sure with dragging DH into Fredericks of Hollywood tonight so I can buy bras, the BD bonanza will continue tonight

*wiggles eyebrows*

I'm gushing like the Niagara Falls over here!!

WHAT!?!? I mean come on......you are reading a TTC blog......you have to know there is going to be some sort of TMI!!

So tuesday morning, tuesday night AND this morning (thursday) I have had MAJOR watery/EWCM. I'm talking major...like....(tmi).....as if we had already BD. YIKES!!

So like any good TTC who is on a Dr mandated TTC break....

We BD anyways *blush*

Yeap.

I mean how are you supposed to NOT BD if you have any kind of fertile CM, and I swear to everything I have never in my life had THAT much CM.

NO, I'm not temping...

NO, I'm not using OPKs...

...I mean we are on a break...sheesh *giggles*

I have no idea if I am going to/have Oed, but if I am then:
a) it would be the first time in history I've ever done that on my own.
and
b) it would be the exact same day I Oed/whatever I did last cycle.

I'm not holding my breath, but I really really feel EXACTLY like I did last cycle when my chart told me I Oed.

I guess we'll see in about 10-14 days.

Now that I've lost most of my conservative readers.....

...and more than likely made a few male lurkers projectile vomit...

I'll be going!