525,600 minutes

Any theater junkies like myself will get that.

It will actually be a year on the 24th, but that’s also DH’s birthday and I didn’t want a crappy post on his birthday.

FYI- Despite my typically cheerful personality…this post will not be sugar-coated.

Well, it’s been a year.

One whole year.

I don’t know why…there’s just something about hitting your first year mark. It’s kind of like that final slap in the face saying: “yes, you’re considered infertile, you need further help because your body just doesn’t even know what the hell it’s doing.” Doctor’s always want you to “try for a year” before they help…well here I am! I think what pisses me off the most though is that we haven’t even gotten to really try.

WHY WON’T MY BODY OVULATE!?!?!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?

I think back a year ago when I went off BC…how stupid I was to think that it would just happen. Everything was just perfect then, Mike and I thinking we could just poof…create a life…from love. What a load of crap. Our baby won’t be created by love, but by pills and meds and tests and procedures. Maybe that’s my love…going the DISTANCE instead of it happening easily.

Stupid silly girl.

I feel like I’m in my own personal hell. Depression has taken its toll. Every waking minute is spent fixated on the one thing that I cannot have. The one thing that I would give anything for.

I just want a chance, I just want a chance, I just want a chance.

I want to try and talk to my doctor at my appointment on the 29th about starting Clomid early. She wants us to wait 4 more months, just taking the metformin. I don’t think I’m bitter about not being pregnant, but just the fact that my body won’t drop a freakin’ egg. I’d gladly try for another whole year if I could just have a normal cycle and ovulate like I’m supposed to.

I have faith it will happen, yes that I do. It’s just a long road getting there.

A

PS Sorry if that was way too much venting, I think I needed to let it out. This has been a hard week with my uncle passing and the one year mark upon us. Too many things running thru my head.