Saturday, June 20, 2009

525,600 minutes

Any theater junkies like myself will get that.

It will actually be a year on the 24th, but that’s also DH’s birthday and I didn’t want a crappy post on his birthday.

FYI- Despite my typically cheerful personality…this post will not be sugar-coated.

Well, it’s been a year.

One whole year.

I don’t know why…there’s just something about hitting your first year mark. It’s kind of like that final slap in the face saying: “yes, you’re considered infertile, you need further help because your body just doesn’t even know what the hell it’s doing.” Doctor’s always want you to “try for a year” before they help…well here I am! I think what pisses me off the most though is that we haven’t even gotten to really try.

WHY WON’T MY BODY OVULATE!?!?!? WHY!? WHY!? WHY!?

I think back a year ago when I went off BC…how stupid I was to think that it would just happen. Everything was just perfect then, Mike and I thinking we could just poof…create a life…from love. What a load of crap. Our baby won’t be created by love, but by pills and meds and tests and procedures. Maybe that’s my love…going the DISTANCE instead of it happening easily.

Stupid silly girl.

I feel like I’m in my own personal hell. Depression has taken its toll. Every waking minute is spent fixated on the one thing that I cannot have. The one thing that I would give anything for.

I just want a chance, I just want a chance, I just want a chance.

I want to try and talk to my doctor at my appointment on the 29th about starting Clomid early. She wants us to wait 4 more months, just taking the metformin. I don’t think I’m bitter about not being pregnant, but just the fact that my body won’t drop a freakin’ egg. I’d gladly try for another whole year if I could just have a normal cycle and ovulate like I’m supposed to.

I have faith it will happen, yes that I do. It’s just a long road getting there.

A

PS Sorry if that was way too much venting, I think I needed to let it out. This has been a hard week with my uncle passing and the one year mark upon us. Too many things running thru my head.

4 comments:

HometownGirl. said...

I don't even know you.. clicked on your link from the mommyplaybook.... read this post and tears hit me.... yes, i know EXACTLY how u feel... *sending love and hugs* even tho I do not know you...

you're not stupid... not silly... we're blessed with the evil disease of PCOS..

i'll be following your journey...

HelloKitty said...

OMG, you are so awesome and so so sweet. I am so blessed to have found TMP and girls like you that I get to share this journey with. Lots of hugs back your way too!

lindsayreskey said...

love you amy...
and you are right about the perspective of your baby still being concieved in love... the love of going the distance... thank you for sharing your realness and your honesty, your hopes and heartaches, your dreams and dark moments...
i thought of you this weekend while we were with grant and grace... and i think of you laying here on bedrest... i am reminded to be grateful for these last couple of weeks of being prego. my dr told me today its probably not a good idea for me to try to get pregnant again based on how dangerous my past pregnancies have all been... so i pass the torch to you... (just of pregnancy, not of dangerous ones!) xoxoxoxoxoxo
again, i love you!

HelloKitty said...

I love you so much Linds. I look up to you as a woman, cousin & mother. You have been a constant support in my life and I will forever be grateful for that. I'm so sorry about what your Dr. told you today. I pray for you and new baby cousin every night and will continue to do so. I love you so much, and thank you for being such a wonderful person. The Lord blessed our family greatly when he brought you and Steve together. xoxoxo