4 Months Appt...

Well we had Jackson's 4 month appt today. He weighs 18lbs 10oz, and is 27.5 inches long.

They measured his head, and it's off the charts which concerned our Ped. She said since he's been born at every appt (birth, 2mos, 4mos) his head has jumped up 2 lines on the percentile chart each time which is strange to her. She said this could just be that he's going to have a naturally big head or it could mean something else. He also still has a flat spot on one side of the back of his head which he favors to lay on, and he has a little Torticollis which means his head tilts more to one side sometimes and he doesn't hold it straight all of the time like he should. She wants us to go to physical therapy for the Torticollis but before that happens we have to figure out why his head is growing so fast... so he's sending us a referral to one of the top Neurosurgeons at CHOC... I just want him to be okay. I'm scared. I asked her what could cause the head growth and she said it could be a genetic thing (Mike and I both have large heads) but we have to just make sure. I pressed her on what else it could be, because I know she didn't want to tell me, and she said since I asked it could also be fluid in his head/brain that could be causing it BUT neurologically he was right on target with his development (cooing, laughing, grabbing, lifting his head etc...) so she said that is really good because if it's fluid along with the head growth, it could hold him back a little big developmentally so it's most likely he's just going to have a big head naturally, but we just have to make sure.

I'm sorry I know I shouldn't be freaking, chances are that everything is okay, I mean he is a huge kid anyways really long and weighs almost 19lbs, but to have to take him to a neurosurgeon at CHOC I am just scared.

She was going to try and put in the referral fast so we can get him in quickly, and we have to have all of our immediate family have their heads measured to see if genetically we are all above average and take that with us, and then if everything is okay, then we can go see another specialist about the Torticollis.

I'm scared. I just love him so much...

Well this is new!!

I started AF all on my own, no Provera, no meds, NOTHING but my own body! This is such a huge thing for me!! Take that PCOS! I hope my cycles regulated after having Jackson! I've heard that can happen! Now let's see if this will be a normal cycle or a 200 day cycle like they use to be! I'm so excited!

Jackson's 1st Disneyland trip

Today was our 3 year wedding anniversary so we decided to take Jackson to Disneyland for a couple hours and he LOVED it! He was so good and smiled at all the characters we met. We only took him on two rides, Snow White and Pinocchio and it was soooo fun to watch his face he was so wide eyed the whole time and even let out a loud "OOOH!!" in the middle of Pinocchio Adorable! I can't wait till he gets older and really "gets it"

I did tear up many times today because I'm a total sap, but especially when we met Mary Poppins and Bert, and Mary Poppins made a comment about how Jack will grow into his Mickey ears, and then she whispered to Jackson "try not to grow up too fast though, stay small for as long as you can and if you need help, a little trip to Neverland never hurt anyone." Way to get the water works going Mary Poppins! <3

I will post pictures a bit later.

Dear Jackson

It's the night of my first mother's day and I sit here in our dimly lit living room holding you close while you sleep. Your chubby little hands squeeze my arm every now and then and just feeling you close makes me want to cry the happiest tears I have ever shed.

It's no secret we had to go through so much just to bring you here so I cannot tell you what a joyus occasion this first mother's day is to finally be crying tears of happiness and love instead of tears of sadness and heartache. We will have many more mother's days together, possibly (hopefully) with your future brothers or sisters, but this is my only first one. The most special of mother's days and I get to celebrate with you...my miracle.

I love you Jackson with everything that I am and everything I have. You and daddy are my entire world and you have made me the happiest I have ever been, just being my son. Women become mothers everyday, but not all of them get to be the mother of a true miracle.

Always know how wanted you were. How we prayed for you for years and dreamed of you...and you are better than our dreams.

Thank you for coming into my life...you have made it worth living.

I love you. I love you. I love you.

Mommy

First laugh

Jackson just did his first little laugh!! Oh man that was soooo cute!! He's always done a fake one before, like when he smiles he will do a "haaaaah" sound but this was was "haaaah ha ha ha ha" lol Oh my gosh it was so cute! He did it twice and now wont do it anymore lolI hope he does it for DH when he gets home later! It was so funny too, Jack was screaming and crying and all the shushing wasnt working so finally I did a high pitched silly fake scream like mocking him and he stopped crying so I kept doing it and he started smiling and eventually laughed lol swoon swoon SWOON!!

World's worst mom award

....right here, give it to me. So we are still supplementing during the night since my supply is so low around then Jack gets pissed and is starving. Before bed, I will put 4 bottles out on the counter in our master bath with premeasured powder in them so when I wake up and need to feed him, I just pour in the water and mix, it makes it super easy for us. Last night I woke up for his second feeding around 4ish dead tired, we had only slept like 4 hours the night before and I honestly can't remember the last time I had felt so exhausted. Jackson's crying because he's hungry and DH woke up to hold him while I made a bottle. I pick up one of the bottles, pour in the water, shake it up and hand it to DH so he can start feeding him so I can potty. Well I come back out, and wash my hands and look at the counter where I keep the bottles and notice 3 bottles with powder in them. He had already eaten once around midnight so there should have only been 2 bottles with powder in them, one dirty bottle from the last feeding and the bottle Jack was eating from at that moment....you can see where this is going...

I FREAKING POURED WATER INTO THE DIRTY BOTTLE AND GAVE IT TO HIM! I ran over and grabbed it from DH and Jack had eaten like an ounce and a half of it my poor baby! DH didn't notice it because it was so dark in the room...ugh! That's my confession, now hand over my award!

6week pp and a bittersweet moment

I had my 6week pp checkup this past tuesday. She said everything looked great and I was healing nicely. I'm still a little sore but she said because I'm breastfeeding my skin is really dry and it may still be sore from all the tearing that went on. I asked about the next time we want to TTC and the good news is since I already have the PCOS/Infertility diagnosis with my RE down the hall from her, we don't have to do the year of TTC and can just go straight back there which made me really happy. The totally crazy part? Walking right past my RE's door pushing my 6 week old son in his stroller. I peeked in through the window wanting to see my RE or our nurse so they could see Jackson but I saw a patient in the waiting room and didn't want to go in pushing a stroller. It was just so crazy...looking in there and remembering the times we sat in that waiting room...but standing outside the door with my very own child...it made me want to smile yet cry at the same time. Just one of those crazy moments...